science
Baby in a Cave
Saturday, June 26th, 2010 | geology, offspring, science | 11 Comments
This blog has committed to make an effort to report on scientific topics that may be relevant to modern society. As part of this effort I hired Kellen Gunderson, a certified Science Master of Mother Gaia, to provide a series of dispatches from the wonder world of Science!
The Grand Unifying Theory of Baby in a Cave
The great scientific icons of history became icons because their theories were truly revolutionary. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, Marie Curie, Charles Darwin, and Charles Lyell all became legendary because their ideas fundamentally changed society’s views of Earth, the Universe, and the human condition. Their ideas were big, their observational power was uncanny, and their creativity was unmatched. Modern science suffers from a dearth of these big scientific ideas. Maybe it’s because we as modern scientists have to spend so much time and effort competing for scarce resources, reviewing endless manuscripts, and essentially fighting our way up the corporate-research ladder.
But every once in a while, a flash of brilliance makes it through the muddy estuary of scientific research bureaucracy. Recently while wandering around the Eastern California desert, I stumbled upon a theory that has the potential for transforming our world and leading mankind to that fountain once sought by Juan Ponce de Leon. It began when I asked the question: why do people age? I searched long and hard for an answer by asking my friend and fellow scientician Chris who responded, “Because of environmental factors: sunlight breaks down skin cells, dust in the air, bacteria in water, etc. all contribute to our body slowly breaking down.” It sounded official. After all, Chris is an ecologist which means that he knows more about biology than I do. Plus, his answer resonated with me because it was verifiable. Immediately I conceived of a test for Chris’s hypothesis. According to this hypothesis, if one could isolate a person from all external environmental factors then that person would never get older. Humanity could finally be forever young.
So I concocted the great baby in a cave experiment. Simply put, my theory states that if I put a baby in a cave (thereby isolating the baby from all external environmental factors) that baby would not age. The theory’s elegance lies in its simplicity (See Figure 1). I have yet to test the theory, but I am in the process of writing proposals to the NIH, NSF, and possibly NASA to get funding for this grand experiment. The proposal will probably be pretty short because how long does it really take to explain that you want to put a baby in cave?
Figure 1 - Demonstrates that a baby, when placed in a cave will remain a baby. If the baby is continually placed in the cave, the baby will remain a baby for infinity in an endless cycle.
The next column from Science! Correspondent Kellen Gunderson will feature a point-counterpoint discussion about consuming acid mine drainage as a beverage.
