Rob Martin

Baby in a Cave

2010.06.26 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | geology, offspring, science | 11 comments

This blog has committed to make an effort to report on scientific topics that may be relevant to modern society. As part of this effort I hired Kellen Gunderson, a certified Science Master of Mother Gaia, to provide a series of dispatches from the wonder world of Science!

The Grand Unifying Theory of Baby in a Cave

The great scientific icons of history became icons because their theories were truly revolutionary. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, Marie Curie, Charles Darwin, and Charles Lyell all became legendary because their ideas fundamentally changed society’s views of Earth, the Universe, and the human condition. Their ideas were big, their observational power was uncanny, and their creativity was unmatched. Modern science suffers from a dearth of these big scientific ideas. Maybe it’s because we as modern scientists have to spend so much time and effort competing for scarce resources, reviewing endless manuscripts, and essentially fighting our way up the corporate-research ladder.

But every once in a while, a flash of brilliance makes it through the muddy estuary of scientific research bureaucracy. Recently while wandering around the Eastern California desert, I stumbled upon a theory that has the potential for transforming our world and leading mankind to that fountain once sought by Juan Ponce de Leon. It began when I asked the question: why do people age? I searched long and hard for an answer by asking my friend and fellow scientician Chris who responded, “Because of environmental factors: sunlight breaks down skin cells, dust in the air, bacteria in water, etc. all contribute to our body slowly breaking down.” It sounded official. After all, Chris is an ecologist which means that he knows more about biology than I do. Plus, his answer resonated with me because it was verifiable. Immediately I conceived of a test for Chris’s hypothesis. According to this hypothesis, if one could isolate a person from all external environmental factors then that person would never get older. Humanity could finally be forever young.

So I concocted the great baby in a cave experiment. Simply put, my theory states that if I put a baby in a cave (thereby isolating the baby from all external environmental factors) that baby would not age. The theory’s elegance lies in its simplicity (See Figure 1). I have yet to test the theory, but I am in the process of writing proposals to the NIH, NSF, and possibly NASA to get funding for this grand experiment. The proposal will probably be pretty short because how long does it really take to explain that you want to put a baby in cave?

Figure 1 - Demonstrates that a baby, when placed in a cave will remain a baby. If the baby is continually placed in the cave, the baby will remain a baby for infinity in an endless cycle.

The next column from Science! Correspondent Kellen Gunderson will feature a point-counterpoint discussion about consuming acid mine drainage as a beverage.

Super Trek 2010

2010.05.30 | Updates in the life | outdoors, pioneers | 10 comments

I went on my first ever trek last weekend. Seeing as a picture is worth a thousand words, here is my 15,000 word essay on the whole experience. Kudos to cameraman Brock for these stellar (and in some cases candid) pics. It was quite a chore to pick just 15 pics that best personified the adventure. Each thumbnail links to the full picture.

Captain Shakespeare

handy carts

trekin' it up

Savannah smiles

not a stick up my butt

the good bishop

close quarters

beautiful day

good grub

complimentary contrast

ready for my closeup

snuggles

baby, it's cold outside

one big happy family

the end

Moral of the Story

2010.05.14 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | marriage, varmints, vikings | 3 comments

I saw that dragon movie the whole world has been raving about. Everyone says it has a great message and I must say I agree: All I have to do to get the girl is capture and train a wild dragon and deliver my people from pesky varmints…

Consider it done.

It really is a beautiful message, though. Very applicable to every day life too.

Aging with style

2010.04.28 | Updates in the life | old people, vitamins | 7 comments

So I started taking multi-vitamins today. I bought them during my latest Costco run in a moment of weakness. My hand has been hurting lately and I thought some Vitamin B6 might do me well.  I figured as long as I was tackling that I might as well pull out the big guns and fight off goiters and various other old-people ailments at the same time. I’m having second thoughts though… not only do they smell yucky, but doesn’t it kind of defeat the purpose if it hurts my hand to open the bottle when hand pain is part of the reason I’m taking them in the first place?

I’m clearly well on my way to becoming an old man: Aches and pains? Check. Sock suspenders? Check. Old-fashioned single-bladed razor which I started using last year and never got around to blogging about? Check. Slowly receding hairline? *sigh* Check. The transformation is almost complete.

Gramps and Dolls

2010.02.28 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | family, old people | 5 comments

I came across this picture today as I was digitizing some old photos for a family history project I am working on. Yes, that’s right, I’m related to these people. In fact, not only are we related, but seeing as this is Grandpa Bob and Great Grandpa Maynard, they are among my direct-line progenitors.

Puts my weirdness into a little better perspective, doesn’t it…

Ducks in a Row

2010.01.25 | A rare bit of seriousness | fowl, marriage, time | 12 comments

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. This wasn’t part of the plan. I was supposed to get married at 21 or 22… 23 at the latest. Just ask anybody: family, friends, even my MTC group gave me six months post mission, tops. But here I am, 26 and counting, closing in on that dreaded “Menace to Society” age, and still unspoused.

I’ll admit, early on I really struggled with this, and while the thought of reaching my late 20′s without a companion still doesn’t thrill me, I’m more okay with things. In fact, a part of me feels quite fortunate. That part of me realizes I have been given a precious gift: the gift of time.

Despite all its blessings, I know marriage will be no picnic, and bring more than its fair share of trials into my life, both emotional, spiritual, and financial. With the extra time I’ve been given, I’ve been able to—and continue to—work on preparing myself, to “put all my ducks in a row”, so to speak. For example, these past several years I’ve tried to focus on being a better person every day and increase my talents. I am learning to cook. I’ve begun playing the guitar, and am becoming more well read. Over the past two years I’ve also scrimped every penny I could spare and begun investing and saving for a home, retirement, a rainy day… I’ve even started a ring fund. When the day does come that I’ll take the marital plunge, hopefully I’ll be a better husband, and eventually a better father, because of the time I’ve been given and the preparations I’ve made.

Ironically enough, my forced preparation for blessings that didn’t come early may be the very thing that helps me tie the knot down the road. Let me explain: occasionally people have asked me what my “type” is. This has always been a very difficult question to answer. It seemed the girls that really wowed me were as different as could be from one another: short blondes, tall brunettes, artists, musicians, athletes. As I’ve continued to think about it though, they have all had one thing in common: they were impressive. In one way or another they were excellent or pursuing excellence. You might say they each had their ducks in a row, and as a result, not only did I want to be with them, but they also made me want to be better me. Being  stuck in survival mode is not attractive, but excelling, preparing, achieving… that is what has always been attractive to me, and I expect is precisely what is attractive to us all.

I recognize I still have a long ways to go in my efforts at arranging the various ducks in my life, but I must admit it feels good to be waddling in the right direction.

Moustache Showdown

2010.01.05 | Updates in the life | creepy, face hair, poll | 23 comments

“A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea without sugar”

Brockolicious

Handsome Rob

Kellendric

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After a week of heated polling, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the world was asked “Who framed Roger Rabbit?”, the nastiest ‘stache contest has ended.

Well fought, Brock. Slightly less well fought but still respectable effort, Kellen. May your moustaches never land either of you the role of ‘villain’ in a dramatized segment of America’s Most Wanted.

Concession speeches & fan mail still welcome in the comments…

A Questionable Thanksgiving

2009.11.29 | Updates in the life | byu, family, food, football | 6 comments

This past week much of my family gathered for the great American tradition of stuffing our faces with Turkey.

I like Thanksgiving for all the obvious reasons. First there is Jenny’s I’m-still-not-sure-whats-in-it-but-I-can’t-stop-eating-it cracker dip.  This dip has been a feature of every Martin family gathering of memory. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s in her and Steve’s pre-nup.

Next, there is the age-old pilgrim Thanksgiving tradition of Halo. For the record I’m normally not a big gamer, but there is something to be said about the bonding that comes from blowing your miscellaneous family member off the map while playing X-box on a huge projector screen with 7.1 digital surround sound. Ah, the memories. Following a few rounds we even got my sixty-something dad to play some “Nintendo” when we pulled out Beatles Rock Band. I never thought I’d live to see the day.

Add to this some healthy BYU/Utah rivalry and you’ve got yourself an all-around good weekend. My brother Dave and I are the BYU faithful while my oldest sister Chantal and her family cheer for the U. (I’m fairly certain they are all BYU fans at heart—really, who in their right mind could like Utah?). I thought we had added another follower to team blue, but sadly the Cougar Convert of six posts back defected. Despite all my best efforts to elicit a proper response to the question “Who is better, BYU or Utah?” via tickling and withholding m&ms, the kid stayed true to his family’s (pretended) ideals. I think they’re paying him more than I am.

Following a good meal we settled down for our traditional family movie. Deferring to my unquestioned good taste we watched the new Star Trek, which just happens to be one of the three most amazing movies I have seen in the theater. My reasoning in selecting this flick was that everyone I have talked to who has seen it has liked Star Trek. Pretty fail-proof reasoning, right? Wrong. While I didn’t get a chance to hear from everyone it was obvious that, in the least, both my sister Chantal and my dad weren’t impressed. I guess amazing special effects, unmatched character development, and a well-written story don’t do it for everybody. Go figure.

The movie was followed by a round of Killer Bunnies. For the record this was not my idea, but seeing as I was the only one there who knew how to play I taught them at their request. Discontent with Star Trek paled in comparison to how they felt about the game. I have never seen them so united before (They didn’t even need Halo at that point). The combination of the response from the movie and card game left me asking the question so many of us have asked ourselves at some point or another following spending some extended time with family: “Am I sure I wasn’t adopted?”

Of course I know I wasn’t. Even though we are definitely different people, I’ve got the Martin nose. Plus I inherited my parents’ tastes in ice cream (Cherry Chocolate Chip from dad and Peppermint from mom). Who needs a blood test when I pass the highly scientific resemblance/ice cream combo? Birth-relatedness questions aside, at least one thing is for certain: I think we settled the “Who is better, BYU or Utah?” question as BYU beat Utah in an amazing 25-yard touchdown score in overtime. I was fortunate enough to be there enjoying the revelry, screaming myself hoarse, storming the field etc. Good times. Great holiday weekend.

Chantal’s family: you can come out of the closet now. I have m&ms.

The Psychology of Dating

2009.11.12 | Updates in the life | dating | 9 comments

I went out with my 8-year-old nephew’s 2nd grade teacher this last Saturday. Almost beats the time I was setup with my brother’s adopted son’s birth-grandmother’s niece. On a related note, it seems like I’ve dated a good number of teachers and dental hygienists/assistants these past few years. I wonder what Freud would say about that…

You’re a Great American, Simon Cowell

2009.11.04 | Updates in the life | vacation | 14 comments

Below you will find a collaborative MadLib account of the adventures Kellen and I had in Pennsylvania this week. The following is a true story (or at least was, until Kellen got his hands on it):

Having found myself in a need to use up some paid time off before the year ended, I begged for a plane ticket and flew out to the Show-Me State to spend some time with Kellen & Rachel.

To start the fun off, Kellen and I played a round of Disc Golf on the 2005 Pro World’s Course. (Yes, I vacation with my Disc Golf Discs). It was horrific, albeit tranquil, with natural hazards of alien invasions and poetry readings. We tied after 3.14 holes. We then toured Kellen’s secret society before returning to his house on Duh Drive (Kellen is famous for choosing his places of residence solely based on proximity to jewelry repair shops). There we watched game one of the illegal hamster fighting match between the New York Humphrey Bogarts and Philadelphia Eye-Gougers. The team I was told I was rooting for won.

Thursday we headed into Philadelphia, where we experienced various national treasures such as Pat’s Philly hole in the road, and The Mint. I ate my shredded shoelaces wit caviar and cheese-whiz and only slightly in fear for my life. At the Mint (where they make unisex fedoras) we went on a self-guided tour and learned about the enigmatic world of numismatry via impressive human statues, and state-of-the-art displays. It was here that Kellen experienced extreme wonderment and sheer awesomeness as he found out it was in fact Martha Stewart in a Winston Churchill Halloween costume, not President Truman on the dime.

Having been spiritually fed at the Mint, we decided it was time to give something back to fellow humanoids by setting the record straight on an age-old historical mystery, specifically, is the sun rising or setting on the famous chair found in Cowabunga! Hall? After lamenting for a time with our Finnish tour guide we concluded that really there were two possibilities. Either a) as Kellen proposed, the sun was really in eclipse, or b) that since the Continental Congress was meeting in a rented hall, it was probably a furnished hall, with an average chair purchased from an average vendor, and really had no connection to the important events that took place there, i.e., the signing of our Captain Kirk’s two most important documents, the Weekend at Bernies: 2 screenplay and the Greendale Elementary’s fire safety plan and, therefore, is really a moot point. You’re strangely out of place, America.

Additional highlights included visiting Christ’s Church, where we played rugby in the pew of our Nation’s first President, Simon Cowell and heading to some other building where we saw the Liberty nose cazoo. Oh yeah, and we played Killer Bunnies, which was voted as the most immoral, illegal, and illogical card game since the invention of Death Ray Level 6: The Siege of Planet Voklon: Phase 10 Edition.

All in all it was a surprisingly malfeasant trip, even when you throw in the fact that my flight out of the Andromeda Galaxy was delayed 12 parsecs, causing me to miss my connecting flight out of Rock Springs, WY, and forcing me to spend Halloween night (plus the extra hour thanks to Daylight Savings) in an underwater dungeon that for some reason was also on fire before finally flying home to Salt Lake, some 15 hours late!