The Dark Side of Disneyland
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 | allowance, dancing dolls, Family, leashes, vacation | 15 comments
For the record I voted for the cruise. Somehow, however, last week I found myself in Disneyland with family. (I’m still not sure exactly how it happened but I’m not convinced drugs weren’t somehow involved) I know, I know, Disneyland is the last place anyone would expect to find me. I’ve long held that when I have kids I’m going to tell them that Disneyland is a myth, just like Santa Claus, leprechauns, and allowance. Really, though, there was no getting around it. My family last visited Disneyland during the Clinton Administration. Apparently we have some unnatural obligation to attend every time a Democrat is elected President (and you wonder why I vote Republican), and so, like good Patriots, off we went.
The trip was… revealing. We have all heard how Disneyland is the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Even all those football players on the old TV commercials made us believe going to Disneyland was all they wanted to do after winning the Superbowl. Football players? Advertising where you want to vacation? Football players aren’t even bright enough to pick a career that doesn’t consist of getting pummeled, yet we trust them when it comes to vacation advice? We should have been better prepared. What we discovered in sunny California was a dark dark world. It all began with…
Rabid Children – Everywhere we looked in the park we saw little kids with sharp pointed teeth. Those that weren’t busy snarling were devouring oversized turkey legs. Fortunately, most parents had enough sense to control their offspring within the park via child leashes. To avoid the children we subjected ourselves to…
3D Shooting Games – Our family quickly discovered Toy Story Midway Mania, an interactive game where you ride in a cart and shoot 3D darts at various targets in an attempt to rack up as many points as possible. We learned that this relatively-new ride has been extremely popular and due to that they are planning on creating a new series of similar interactive rides. “Extremely popular” may be the term they are using in the Disney boardrooms but I’d say “Horrendously Addicting” is more accurate. We met one individual who had come to the park for a short visit and found himself still there 30 days later, riding this one ride over and over. Another rider we met comes to the park four days a week and likewise spends all his time on this one ride. Sadly my own mother became another hapless victim. I haven’t seen that level of addiction since Tetris came out on the NES. It wasn’t even enough to wait in line together to ride… she had us take advantage of the Single Rider (read: Dysfunctional Family) line to get as many rounds in as possible. If anyone knows of a Toy Story Midway Mania Addicts Support Group that my mom can attend let me know. The horrors of addiction were only surpassed by…
Small World – Only prisoners in Guantanamo, residents of the Great White North, and those who have experienced the Small World ride at Disneyland know what real torture is. Fortunately I remembered enough of the horror from my first trip to Disneyland to give this ride a large berth. While my family all rode together I ate food and arranged to meet them out of hearing range of the horrible horrible ride. I am one to easily get songs stuck in my head and hearing one repeated over and over in dozens of different languages at high volume by dancing dolls doesn’t exactly help that unfortunate tendency. This horror was unmatched until…
Discover Your Disney Character – In this interactive feature you can answer questions that will reveal which Disney character you are most like. Sounds harmless, right? Yeah, I was fine with it until my mother was revealed to be Ariel. I’ll never be able to look at seashell-clad Little Mermaid in the same way ever again. And just when the nightmares had finally stopped.
I Owe it all to Oatmeal
Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | food, revelation | 12 comments
Ever have one of those days where the light bulb suddenly goes on and you know your life will never be the same? Today was one of those days. Every morning at work I eat a bowl of oatmeal. Why oatmeal? To be honest I don’t really even like oatmeal. They claim it helps reduce cholesterol but that’s not the reason either. I don’t care beans for my cholesterol level. I eat it so that I get more than one meal a day. I’ll often work straight through lunch or only have a few bites of chips and salsa so breakfast is kind of a necessity to survive. Alas, I digress. My revelation was this: why chew? All oatmeal is is a sticky mass of tiny flakes. Chewing just seems like overkill. From now on I’m just swallowing my oatmeal straight up.
Life just got that much better…
What has it got in its pocketses?
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 | Favorites, stuff | 8 comments
You might think that a discussion on what Rob has got in his pockets would be dull and far from blog-worthy but you’d be wrong. On many occasions I’ve filled an entire date’s worth of conversation with the sole subject being the contents of my pockets. Even the great JRR Tolkien filled some 1000+ pages answering that very question. And then for all those people who were too busy to read it they made an abbreviated (read: 11-hour) movie adaptation of JRR Tolkien’s answer to that question starring Elijah Wood.
I know what you’re thinking… “But why you?” “How were the dates?” “Why am I reading this?” “Where’s Elijah Wood?” This entry is a continuation of my Favorites series where I share with the masses a choice product, word, (no, not that kind of choice word), or maybe if I am feeling really generous, a person. With that said may I present…
The money clip. I’m a minimalist. I think things should be kept as simple as possible. There was a time when I carried around a standard George-Costanza-esque wallet full of random papers, cards, even breath mints. That was all fine and good until you went to do something silly like, oh I don’t know, sit down. As fun as it is parking your caboose on a big lump, I decided there had to be a less lopsided solution. I found it in the money clip. The one I have is called the “smart clip”. The curvy clip is to hold cash while it has room for six cards on the opposite side. I wasn’t satisfied with the clip as it was though. Like any good man I took it upon myself to make the clip even better. I hammered out the curvy metal piece straight and flush with the back, thus halving the width from near 1/2 inch to less than 1/4 of an inch, yet still allowing you the option to slip cash or receipts there as needed.
Its awesome. The part that holds the credit cards is slightly tapered which means it doesn’t require all six cards in order for the rest to stay. Even one card will stick in there just fine. The only downside is sometimes its too small, and I won’t realize if its slipped out of my pocket. Still its great; one of the most satisfying buys I ever made. It helps you minimalize by making you choose the most important cards to carry. Of course, there you go again… thinking out loud, “What ARE the most important cards to carry? Oh, tell us Robert…”
If I must. Here’s what I carry in my money clip (aren’t I a giver?):
The Drivers License – recognized in all 49 states (I stopped recognizing Wisconsin AGES ago… we should gift them to Canada)
American Express Costco (Cotsco) card with bonus picture – Thats right, a picture of ME! On a credit card! A delightful combination, I know. I’ve always felt my face deserved to be on currency.
Credit Card – Not as cool as the one with my picture, but one of those with an insanely good cash-back program.
Library Card – Like that one famous guy with that one famous quote, I believe that which changes us are who we’ve met and the books we’ve read… thus I carry my Library Card… also, its got a cool picture of a cartoon frog reading, get this, a book! Unexpected, I know.
Restaurant Gift Card – Good for a free meal and for carding my way into places in *cough* “emergency situations”.
Insurance Card – mostly a remnant of my mole-removal days.
There you have it: my coveted second endorsement. Sure, this one was free, smart clip, but the next one is ‘a gonna cost ya… especially when it comes time to make the Elijah Wood movie adaptation.
Recession Update
Friday, February 27th, 2009 | money, my way is better | 12 comments
I’m not really into things that are trendy or mainstream. Facebook? Pfft. Fashion? Puh-leese. Personal hygiene? Whatever. Lately it seems this so-called global recession is all anybody can talk about. Despite all the press its getting nobody really has much nice to say about it. Thus, after some lengthy consideration I’ve decided not to participate in the recession. Thanks anyway!
Why Everyone Should be a Genealogist
Sunday, February 8th, 2009 | | 10 comments
I’m my family’s genealogist. I’m pretty sure they think I have this weird interest in dead people or that I was destined to this role due to being named after my two grandfathers (both of whom were family historians). It really goes much deeper than that though: I don’t want to end up marrying one of my cousins.
I remember growing up my dad telling me about how he had a kissing cousin. I don’t quite remember the details of all that entailed, nor, frankly, do I care to recall the specifics, but it definitely left an impression. I never really had any close relationships with my extended family though, so I thought I was safe.
I thought wrong. While on a double date with my roommate, we figured out through some fine detective work that my date was second cousins with my roommate (he was really glad I was the one taking his newfound cousin out and not he). This was just a warning. A few months later, I was talking to a good friend of mine. She is a family history major and when she mentioned one of her ancestors I recognized the name. Turns out we are 6th cousins. Add to that some of the latest tv episodes I’ve been running into and this has turned into a near epidemic…
In short, knowing how you’re related to people may slim your dating pool, but I hope you’ll agree that is not a bad sacrifice to make.
Timeless Fashion
Saturday, January 31st, 2009 | | 10 comments
I’m an old man at heart. Between my affinity for family history, an early-to-bed/early-to-rise attitude, and my regular aches and pains, I’m probably better suited for an old folks home than the student housing I now live in. Of all my old-timer characteristics, however, there is just one that stands out and really defines me: Cardigans.
I love cardigans. They’re warm, look sharp, and are, well, simply and utterly fabulous. Sadly, though, they are underappreciated by my generation. I guess thats what you get when your poster child is Mr. Rogers. Without question the best way to convert to the cardigan cause is to go out and buy one but perhaps for now a history lesson on fashion’s crowning jewel will suffice:
History of the Cardigan (unabridged)
377,537,322 – 320,679,982 BC (approximate) – Mount Cardigan, 43°38′58” N 71°54′51” W, is formed thanks to the Acadian orogeny. It was one rockin’ party…
1855 – Lieutenant General James Brudenell, 7th Earl of Cardigan, returns from the Crimean War. The cardigan, supposedly worn by him on his campaign (and receiving its name after him), became fashionable following his glorious return from battle.
1856 – Lord Cardigan is defamed after the true story of his participation in the Crimean War is told. He still looks fabulous.
1968 – Mr. Rogers first asks America “Won’t you be my neighbor?” He asked Canadians the same question in 1963 but they decided the answer was “No” after giving him three seasons. They must have heard that rumor about him wearing cardigans to cover tattoos running up his arms.
1992 – A Swedish pop group is started who call themselves “The Cardigans”. Among their finer hits are “I Need Some Fine Wine and You, You Need to be Nicer” and “Your New Cuckoo”. Their undisputed hits propell them into international stardom.
2007 – Rob joins the world of Cardigans. The world rejoices.
Highlights 08
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | | 3 comments
I don’t come from a family that has many family traditions. Of course there were a few: Growing up my dad would prepare a giant Christmas stocking stuffed with newspaper-wrapped gifts he had collected through the year, many of which came from the DI. Another is that we’d all getting together for—and leave early from—the Priesthood Session of General Conference (I was 24 years old before I learned there is a closing prayer to Priesthood Session). I kinda wish my family had a few more traditions, but that is something I realize I can change when I have my own family. With that said, I’m always looking for a few new ideas for traditions.
One tradition I picked up on a few years back is to recount the highlights of the outgoing year. Seeing as I don’t have anyone I’ll be spending New Years with (buck up, Bronco, there’s always next year) here’s my list… or at least the ones I don’t feel too bashful to share:
- Having my identity stolen (I always knew I was popular and that everyone wants to be me but its nice to get the confirmation every now and again)
- Enjoying the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in
- Teaching Gospel Doctrine
- Becoming a morning person (although sadly this has made me become grumpy at night)
- Finally solving the dirty dishes problem in my apartment
- Getting a new car
- Tender mercies
- Going a full year without getting sick (thats a real tender mercy as I’m a baby when it comes to being sick)
- Throwing a frisbee 100 yards
- Havasu 3 trip up to Jackson
- Prank wars
- Looking good with a beard
- Raining women
- Seeing new colors in the fall leaves
- Getting an unexpected promotion at work
- Bringing my organization skills to the Ward
- Being a handyman
- The birth of a blog
- Oh yeah, and there was all this
To Spock or not to Spock
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 | | 1 comment
For the record: I’m not a geek. With that in mind its time for a quiz: What do Google, Dwight Schrute, Rob, and Spock have in common? No, I mean aside from the obvious connection that we’re all going to take over the world, universe, (or office)… and I’ve already ruled out the geek option so don’t go there. Correct answer: all four are verbs. For the benefit of our U of U and obscure Pennsylvania town college readers out there, I guess I should define the term. According to Wikipedia (so you know its legit) verbs is (I’m not making this up) a gospel rap artist. Not only that, but a gospel rap artist who served a mission in South Africa. Got that? More specifically for our purposes though a verb is an action word, or something you do.
Google has become a powerhouse because they achieved the coveted verb status. I “google” things all the time. (alas it is true, I, too have been caught in their web) So long as they don’t Schrute it, they’ll take over the world someday. But alas, I am robbing you of our real topic: to Spock.
While I wish I could take credit for coming up with the Spock concept I must correctly give credit where credit is due… to a teacher I once had whose name I honestly don’t remember. (that counts as giving credit, right?) I learned this from said unnamed teacher in a public speaking class up at BYU-Idaho (known better as “Bydaho”). The important thing to remember is that Spocking, when done correctly (and like most truths taught on this blog), will get you women.
Its all about posture. When we sit or stand up straight, not only do we feel more confident (and science tells us that women like confident men) but we get more oxygen as we start to breath using our diaphragm. (Don’t make me explain the science behind it… I’ve already cited Wikipedia today) If you watch a baby breathe, their belly moves in and out with each breath they take. Somewhere along the line (I blame Sesame Street) we stop breathing with our belly and use our chest instead. Its also one of the differences between good and bad singers. Good singers subtly breathe with their bellies while bad ones puff out their chests as they gasp for air. What does this have to do with Spock? Its all about the ears. We can achieve excellent posture and quality breathing by imagining we too have Spock ears. I find the most effective way to do this is to imagine you have fishhooks stuck in your ears lifting your head up. Don’t believe me? I don’t blame you, but try it anyway. You’ll be glad you did.
So will the women.
The Truth About Giraffes
Friday, December 12th, 2008 | | 6 comments
We discuss a lot of crazy ideas here, and that is something that is destined to continue. Just as “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” I think there is humor to be found in even the most trivial situations we find ourselves in and that seeing such humor is a gift. At the same time, I don’t think the purpose of life is just to have a few laughs along the way. I think we are here to learn truth, follow truth, and in the process become better people.
Thus the title of the blog: “Truthiness”. I think the word itself embodies both a focus on humor and truth. I share much more humor than truth on this blog, and where possible I do both at the same time, but right here, right now, I need to share a crucial truth we all need to hear: the truth about giraffes.
The truth about giraffes is actually more about truth itself. Don’t worry, this isn’t some trick… I didn’t use some wacky title to get you to start reading this entry just to fool you into digesting some philosophical mumbo jumbo… I would never resort to such manipulative tactics. Me? Manipulative? I’ve never heard such a preposterous idea. Okay, so it might be a little bit philosophical, but that doesn’t need to mean it’s dry boring stuff. If there is anything that my two favorite philosophers have taught us it’s that important truths can be taught via cartoon. Anyway, less talk, more cartoons:
Take a look at these pictures one at a time. What do you see? (answers to follow… no peeking)
Highlight the empty parentheses to see the solutions: Picture 1 is ( two fish kissing ). Picture 2 shows ( a giraffe walking past a window ) See it now? I’m sure at this point you’re scratching your head wondering “what was the point of all this, again?” The principle is this: Truth, once learned, becomes obvious. I guarantee if I were to draw these pictures for you 10 or 20 years down the road you’d be able to tell me what the correct answer is. I can’t look at these diagrams anymore and see anything but fish kissing and a giraffe. The truth has become too obvious.
This is important to keep in mind as we try to learn new things. If you’re not understanding something sufficiently, it’s because you don’t yet understand the principles upon which that truth is based. That which we understand, we remember.
I’m sure there are those of you who may not be convinced this particular truth will help you to learn more and to become a better person if followed. I hate to send you away empty handed so let me remind you of another truth I’ve revealed in this post and propose a proper course of action:
Truth: Rob has two favorite philosophers
Action: Buy Rob their complete philosophical works
Result: I personally guarantee you’ll be a better person (Me? Manipulative?)
Steal of a Deal
Saturday, December 6th, 2008 | | 10 comments
I think we all remember that time when as a preteen boy we went back-to-school clothes shopping with our mom. She’d make us try on a pair of jeans and, in order to determine if the pants fit, would grab them at the waist and give them a little jiggle. She would do this because, as all sentient life forms know, the pants-jiggle is the quickest way to embarrass your preteen son in a crowded department store. She would give some excuse about wanting to make sure they fit, but we saw right through that. I think we also remember how this traumatizing experience left us with an intense hatred of shopping.
Fortunately for most of us we at some point or another overcame this fear and ventured once again into the consumer arena to spend our hard-earned allowance. I overcame my own issues (not all of them, just the shopping ones) with the help of a close friend named Matt who was dedicated to my recovery. Actually, I don’t know that Matt ever knew I had a problem (a shopping one, he knew about all the others), but nonetheless he showed me how shopping can be a worthwhile venture.
Matt comes from a large family. I lose track of the actual number of siblings he has but I’d say a close guess would be 47. On top of this he has a stay-at-home mom and a dad who has one of those make-a-difference-but-live-in-poverty type jobs. They always made things work, though. No, they didn’t go without deodorant or wash and reuse their disposable plastic forks… The secret to their success was deal shopping.
It may be that the ability to scope out a good deal was something they were forced to learn, but I always liked to think of it as one of the ways their family was blessed for the good way in which they lived their lives. Regardless of how they gained this skill, after I saw what this gift could do, I made it a point to learn it for myself. I now consider myself a deal shopper as good as any.
Seeing as our economy is in a slow-down, I present for your consideration the following rules of dealshopping:
Find Yourself a Deal Site – With the exception of clothes I buy almost everything online. There are plenty of sites that will compile the best deals around. My favorite is dealnews but some other notable ones are slickdeals and dealsucker. To consider yourself a true deal shopper you will check your deal site at least as often as you check out this blog (hourly at the least).
Stick to Your List – When scoping out good deals you’re going to find lots of awesome amazing items you’ll want to buy such as pizza forks and neckties for the absentminded. Be strong. Remember you’re doing this to save money.
Be Patient – Some items rarely go on sale or can be difficult to find. The longer you’re willing to wait, the better deal you can score. If you wait long enough someone may even save you the trouble and buy the item for you. You can’t beat free. In addition, I never buy anything I’m not 100% satisfied with. If it won’t do the job right or it’s not exactly what I’m looking for, I wait.
Do Your Research – Some items appear to be good deals when in reality they are simply poor quality items. Checkout websites where consumers rate their satisfaction with the items. Amazon and cnet are some good places to start.
Beware of Paper Cuts – When it comes to coupons, if you can do anything similar to what this woman does with them, go for it. Coupons aren’t something I’ve delved too deep into myself (I think they may detract from my manhood), but I’m still deciding (…on whether I should start using them, not my manhood).
Never Buy Clothes Without First Getting the Approval of a Woman – This one is more of a personal necessity because, sadly, I have no taste in clothes. Women can help you achieve that “hip” look you’re going for. Seeing as I’m 25 and yet unmarried, I am always looking for new girls to help me get that look…
Pant-jigglers need not apply.
