Dear anonymous kid who pooped in the pool
2011.02.07 | Thank you notes | poop, swimming | 3 comments
I decided I need to be better at remembering all the special and funny experiences of my life and at expressing gratitude. My sister Missy recently started this, recounting what may someday end up being 10,000 things that make her happy. (Why she hasn’t posted about me yet, I’m not sure). For some time I had considered taking a similar approach, but just never got excited enough about the idea to make it happen. More recently though, I discovered another site where the author shares her gratitude by writing a daily thank you note. Her snarky humor was the deciding factor, and it is in that vein I hope to add to this blog my own recounting of thanks. Without further ado…
A More Imperfect Union
2011.01.14 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | dating, marriage, odd couples | 9 comments
Surprisingly, my roommate is getting married.
Not that this, in and of itself is a surprise, but it’s the “who” he is marrying. And that’s not to say she is at all unattractive or would make a bad wife, either. She’s great. She’s great and he’s great. They are both individuals whom I respect and consider to be among my friends. But still, it’s surprising. Despite being great people, I just never would have seen the two of them together.
This isn’t the first time this has happened, either. I can think of a number of couples, either dating or married, who are an unlikely match. Either she’s granola and he’s a geek, or she’s a genius and he’s an “athlete” (that is to say, “not a genius”). Yet together, to the shock of all those who know them, it somehow works out. Clearly, there are some intricate laws of compatibility which we don’t yet understand.
In light of this, I am starting my own dating service—a service for the rest of us who haven’t found Mr-or-Mrs-Right among the pool of likely candidates. No, with this service, instead of taking the mainstream approach of setting up people with other like-minded individuals with whom they share common interests and ideals, it’s all about setting people up with those who you don’t see them with. Genius, no?
I think I’ll call it disharmony.com.
Miss 2011: Now Hiring
2011.01.01 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | auld lang syne, curses, dating | 19 comments
I’m cursed. For some reason, the fates have decreed that I will only have one girlfriend a year. In 2010, that girlfriend made her appearance in January and we had said our goodbyes by the end of February which means it’s been a long ten months of solitary confinement. That’s ten months without a good cuddle. 306 days of playing with my own hair. 2.6 million snog-free seconds. *sigh*
But with the new year comes new beginnings. I can now officially begin the search for Miss 2011. Job description and qualifications found below:
Note: In anticipation of pending comments that would surely be made to this effect, the author would like to here clarify that dating him shouldn’t be seen as a task/chore/job, despite the fact it is being advertised as such. Think of it more as a party (until you meet the family, that is).
Job Description
Spending time, playing games, watching movies, and making dinner together. Enjoying the great outdoors, going to plays and concerts and on regular dates. All together. Exercising, running errands, holding hands, cuddling (and other related miscellaneous activities). Making memories. Occasional back rubs and hand massages and back scratches (both giving and receiving). Talking about the mysteries of the universe and listening to my crazy ideas and big dreams. Doing everything and nothing together. See, one big party!
Qualifications:
- Female (I’m not budging on this one)
- Born in the decade of NES, Crocodile Dundee, and “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
- A sense of fashion to make up for my lack thereof; must at least be tolerant of my spandex cycling outfits
- Must not carry a purse large enough to carry a pig
- Anti-Disney sentiments not a problem
- Culinary skills very much appreciated
- Bike-riding abilities are a plus
- Respect for chacos essential
- Good kissing skills encouraged but not required (some things can be learned with lots and lots of practice)
Let the interviews begin!
The Art of Tabling
2010.12.27 | The genius that is U-Toob | gentlemen, screaming women, sport | 8 comments
I came across one of my old tabling videos the other day and threw it out there on the U-Toob. For those who haven’t yet been introduced, “tabling” is where you climb a table, the more rickety, the better. It’s a gentleman’s sport, really.
The Paradox That is Church Culture
2010.12.10 | A rare bit of seriousness | culture, mormonism | 1 comment
This post comes from Kellen in a rare moment of sobriety:
I have been thinking lately about Mormon culture. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are so immersed in our culture that we often forget we live in one that is distinct from the rest of America. Only when an outsider peeks inside our little Church world do we realize our own uniqueness. Among other things, we tend to be loyal, thorough, ambitious, and overly sensitive to criticism. We call ourselves a peculiar people (and rightly so!) because we feel like the misfit in the dominantly protestant American world.
Recently I listened to a lecture where the differences between Eastern and Western cultures were discussed. I have listed a few of the key points below:
Obviously, America typifies Western culture like no other nation in history. Americans value rugged individualism. We have a capitalist society that rewards hard work. We have elections where we choose leaders based on their oratory ability and outward leadership capacity. Respect is earned, logic rules, and debate is a valuable process that leads to an optimal solution.
Traditional Mormon culture, however, despite the Faith’s founding within the United States, seems to value different qualities. We teach our children to respect the Bishop from day one strictly because of the nature of his calling. We discourage open debate and confrontation with our divinely called leaders. Our ancestors lived a United Order, where they had all things in common. We talk about accomplishing goals together as a Church, a Ward, or as a Mission. Our highest duty is our duty towards others. Success is not defined by outward achievements like money, fame, or education but rather by overcoming the natural man.
As Mormon Americans these two contrasting, competing cultures are ingrained in us from birth. Maybe healthy doses of these two cultures is what we need. Or perhaps the gospel culture is meant to counteract the selfishness sometimes inherent in Western culture. I don’t know. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said he felt it was his lot in life to swim in deep waters. In stating that, maybe he meant that in their quest to build Zion, the Latter-day Saints were meant to swim against the current of the prevailing culture. If nothing else, this culture conflict may be the reason we feel like we are a peculiar people.
High Society
2010.10.06 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | barbershop, science, weights & measures | 4 comments
The masses have started complaining again that I never update my blog. Here’s a two-for-one to keep you people quiet for awhile.
This is a chat I had with K-dog this morning. It’s fairly representative of the distinguished conversations we regularly hold via gchat.
Kellendric: Quote from the Nobel Prize winner in Chemistry concerning his win, “Uhh, I was sleeping, but I guess I am pretty excited.”
me: That’s epic. What is your quote going to be when you win?
Kellendric: They don’t have a nobel for earth science
me: I know. You’re going to win one in Physics.
Kellendric: Our medicine for ending aging
me: Baby in a cave
Kellendric: Obviously.
Does the Nobel committee read your blog, you think?
me: Definitely. I have a slew of followers in Northern Europe.
How many do you think a “slew” is, anyway?
Kellendric: 37
exactly
actually
me: Make that two slews then
Kellendric: Slew comes from the Basque word “sluev” which means “3 baker’s dozens lost two”
doesn’t exactly translate
but you get the picture
me: Yeah. Makes one wonder how the baker lost the two
This is the picture that came up when I searched the google for an image of a slew. Fitting, no?
Drama Queen
2010.10.06 | The genius that is U-Toob | Brittania, cute | 4 comments
I’m not one to spend a lot of time on youtube but every so often you come across a video so utterly amazing you can’t help but throw it up on your blog to convince the world you’re still there. I think what I love about this video most is how cheap it must have been to make… that, and this has to be the cutest little girl ever (sorry nieces).
Menaces to Society are People Too
2010.09.11 | Updates in the life | bicycle, magnets, marriage | 11 comments
It’s here. The dreaded day has finally arrived. I have now become a menace to society. Although there is some debate as to age at which Brigham Young said an unmarried man becomes a menace, I’ve long held it to be 27, mostly because it was so far off. That is no longer the case. No matter I went to bed last night an upstanding young citizen, I woke this morning a menace.
As alarming as my new title is, I’m not too concerned. I’ve developed a solid four-point marriage plan that is sure to bring me matrimonial success:
Returning to the scene of the crime – Last month I moved back into my previous apartment complex. I gave my reasoning as wanting to live with friends again but that’s just my cover. I realized recently that each of my original roommates in this complex ended up marrying girls they met in this ward. Clearly I have unfinished business.
Lure them with luxury – In said apartment complex not only did they recently refinish the kitchen cabinets (we have handles and knobs now) but they finally got rid of our circa 1970′s red plaid couches and replaced them with nice new leather ones. The girls are already in a tizzy.
Elevating my Taste in Music – I’m not sure who made the original assessment, but I’ve been told I have the taste in music of a 14-year-old girl. No longer. After introducing a few new artists into my iPod I think it’s fair to say I now have the taste in music of a 17-year-old girl. So long Taylor Swift, it never would have worked between us anyway.
Just Keep Pedaling – Having given up running for the sake of my aging knees, I recently joined the cycling crowd. Not only does this mean I deck myself out in spandex several times a week, but it gives me an in with the cycling girls. In fact, I think even the non-cycling girls are impressed. On top of that, cycling is a pretty vain sport and I’ve long held I’m not nearly vain enough.
I’ve even settled on a name for my bike that encapsulates all I hope biking will bring me. Meet “The babe-magnet”, or “Maggie” for short. I was resistant at first to give in to Missy’s name suggestion (shipping on candy bars to Illinois is EXPENSIVE), but as I’ve ridden these past few weeks and showed off the new wheels to a few girls here and there, it has become clear I’ve got a real babe magnet in my Felt F30.
2010: Year of the Bike
2010.07.29 | Updates in the life | bicycle, candy, Luxembourg | 27 comments
I told myself that this was the year to get into cycling, and after squandering away most of the summer months looking for a killer deal I finally bit the bullet and bought a bike. Maybe it was the inspiring performance of Andy in the tour or the “I’ll believe it when I see it” attitude of Kellendric, but whatever the motivating cause, I’m now the proud owner of a Felt bicycle. Now I just need pedals, shoes, a helmet, and a name and I’m set. That’s right… a name. I need to properly christen my new conveyance before I take to the open road.
That’s where you come in: I need name suggestions. Leave your best bicycle name in the comments and I’ll pick the most fitting moniker for my sweet new ride. Winner gets a candy bar, and a promise that I won’t post any pictures of myself in spandex for at least a month.
Saving the Postal Service
2010.07.15 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | doctors, fish, grandmothers, jury duty | 5 comments
My fellow Americans, the United States Postal Service is under duress. Maybe it’s the rise of e-mail and the Internet that is to blame, or the Constitutional mandate that essentially requires it to lose money, but whatever the cause, the USPS is broke.
I know, I know. I, too, was shocked to discover this. To think, a Governmental entity having financial troubles? Unfathomable. But it is what it is. However they got into this mess, we must get them out. We cannot allow the USPS to fail.
We must save the Post Office because we failed to save telegrams. We don’t want snail mail to similarly fall by the wayside due to the presence of cheaper, faster, in every-ways-superior alternative forms of communication. To do so would be to embrace progress, something we Americans will not stand for as shown by the existence of the “snuggy”, reality television, and the fact that I still don’t have a flying car.
We must save the Post Office because we love our grandmothers and we all understand that no grandmothers can get on to the Internet. If we wish to communicate with our aged forebearers, we must utilise “stamps”, “envelopes”, and “handwriting”.
We must save the Post Office because we can’t think of another way we are going to get an overweight, middle-aged man showing up at our doors in shorts that are too short.
We must save the Post Office to honor the memory of Horatio King, may he rest in dignity.
We must save the Post Office because how else would we find out if we were summoned for jury duty?
And finally, we must save the Post Office because it represents all that is decent about America, namely: specially modified trucks, no working on holidays, and years and years of suppressed anger that is finally released in one violent surge on a Thursday afternoon.
Again I say, the United States Postal Service must be saved!
Fortunately, in our role as America’s thinktank, Kellen and I have already begun enacting changes to put an end to this national catastrophe. We are confident our eight-point plan will not only help bring the USPS back from the brink of bankruptcy, but will also make America happy once again.
Point 1 – We are applying for as many opportunities to receive junk mail as possible. To speed up the process we are also helping our neighbors get the picture by ordering junk mail for them as well.
Point 2 – We play chess… via postcard. With an average game lasting 40 moves, and the price of a postcard stamp currently set at 28 cents, that’s $11.20 handed back into the very capable hands of our favorite Governmental Institution. Not only is this helping us to remember the joy of receiving mail once again, but we are also feeling a sense of satisfaction in knowing our game will outlast the current presidential administration. Kellen and I are seven moves into our current game. In my most recent move I B6′d to his D5, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t stand a chance.
Point 3 – We are ordering our big-ticket items—speedboats, shipping containers, and mail order lutefisk—online. Not only does this give the USPS more to deliver, but it has the added benefit of helping to suage Kellen’s insatiable lutefisk habit.
Point 4 – We have become penpals with foreign dignitaries, professional athletes, and popes. Current corresponders include Usain Bolt, Neil Diamond, and Nikita Khruschev.
Point 5 – We plan to use stamps as wallpaper in our homes. Not only will this display our high sense of style, but it will also be a history lesson for our children. “Here we have the James Madison memorial stamp room, and over here is the Hello Kitty room…”
Point 6 – We are lobbying the USPS to begin selling ice cream out of the backs of their trucks.
Point 7 – We are writing letters to people who have been mean to us letting them know they never should have crossed us because we are now rich and successful Doctors and Senators.
Point 8 – From now on, comments to this blog will only be accepted via mail.
