Just a bunch of silliness, really
Last Man Standing
2012.05.13 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | automobile decor, marriage | 4 Comments
My little brother got married a few weeks ago. Following the ceremony, his new bride did the honors of adding a vinyl version of herself to the back of my parents’ van. I think the message of that vinyl decal is clear: Families are Forever—as long as you have one, unlike the poor sap standing all by himself clear out in left field.
To be clear, I’m not sharing this out of any form of self-pity. I know my day will come. More than anything, it makes me laugh. I mean, just look at it: could vinyl Rob possibly be standing any further away from everyone else? Simply hilarious. Maybe I should get a cat.
Deep Thoughts
2012.02.19 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | bicycle, cadbury mini eggs, dating | 9 Comments
So I know I’ve been AWOL for the last several months, but that doesn’t mean I’m not here or that I’ve stopped contemplating the mysteries of the universe. Here are some of the latest questions I’ve been mulling over:
- Is my New Year’s resolution to not buy any sweets all year the stupidest one I’ve ever come up with? (I totally failed to take into consideration all the Cadbury Mini Eggs I’d be missing come Easter-time)
- Why do I own so much love-lost and breakup music?
- Is there anything scarier than the prospect of Newt Gingrich with his finger poised over the nuke button?
- I need to marry a masseuse. (How does one meet a masseuse?)
- What should I do with my tax return?
- Why is it that your head is so much clearer, life so much better, (yet your tush so much sorer) when you’re out riding your bike?
- I need to marry a cyclist. (How does one meet a cyclist?)
- It is written that man shall not live by bread alone, but what if that glutinous diet included enough different varieties to get you some other essential vitamins and minerals? (banana bread, corn bread, zucchini bread, potato bread, pumpernickel, Costco poppyseed muffins, etc.)
- Is my cologne of choice, “Eternity for Men” really intended for men who are destined to eternally be alone? And if so, is that more of a causal relationship? Does the stuff just smell really bad or something?
- How old does one have to be before they sign up for one of those online dating sites?
Why you have to be so needy?
2011.09.28 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | bugs, flatulence, Nascar | 7 Comments
A friend of mine asked me today whether I thought men needed women or women needed men more. Here’s what I came up with:
Reasons Why Women Need Men
1. To get them places on time
2. To give them compliments about their appearance
3. Security
4. To fix things
5. Because someone has to hold their purse while they are trying on clothes at the mall
6. To have someone who will listen
7. Because they secretly enjoy our talent for making farting noises with our armpits
8. To open doors
9. Because jewelry is EXPENSIVE
10. To kill bugs
Reasons Why Men Need Women
1. To remember and plan things
2. Because “chips” is not a meal
3. Back scratchings
4. Because “war” and “Nascar” are things that happen when women aren’t around and there is already too much of both in the world as it is.
5. They smell nice
6. You think those guys who ride the 3600-kilometer long Tour de France are going to do so if there aren’t any podium babes at the finish?
7. To keep the Prophet off our backs
8. Without them there would be no incentive to trim unsightly nose and ear hair.
9. Because we are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
10. Sex
Conclusion: It’s close, but providing the Earth isn’t overtaken by a plague of giant bugs anytime soon, I think men need women more than women need men.
Manliness 30% Off
2011.03.25 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | manliness, poll, real deal | 8 Comments
I grew up in a household where coupons were king. My mom is a coupon mastermind and would spend what seemed like hours going through the ads and filing away all the best deals in her coupon tote. With seven kids, I’m sure this was a necessity to make ends meet. It did come at a cost though. Shopping became an expedition. As we’d walk through the aisles of the grocery store she’d stop every few feet as she’d see something on the shelf and dig in her tote to find a coupon she could use. In reality these shopping trips likely lasted no more than an hour, but for a kid with no attention span it seemed like an eternity. Fortunately, thanks to my incredible persuasive powers I was usually able to convince my mom to get me a few hot dogs or an ice cream cone to keep me occupied, at least until around aisle 3.
As I now do my own shopping and have come to accept the fact I’m a rather frugal-minded individual, I have considered on a number of occasions whether I, like my mother, should be using coupons as I do my grocery shopping. Time and again, though, I have come to the same question: is it considered unmanly to use coupons? Sure, my mom can get away with it, but what about me, an aspiring man whose list of manly accomplishments extends to winning nastiest stache 2009? I’ve got enough liabilities as it is (14-year-old girl tastes in music, anyone?), and don’t know that I want to add another to the list. I can just imagine the conversations:
Girl A: “Hey, why’d you and Rob break up?”
Miss 2011 (or 2012, etc). “Oh, things were going great… until I discovered he uses coupons.”
Girl A: *Gasp*
As this blog enjoys such an admirable following of faithful and trustworthy readers, I pose this question to you:
Loading ...What’s in a Name?
2011.03.05 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | André the Giant, fame & glory, prudence | 6 Comments
Being a family history guy I’ve always had some interest in the etymology of names. It’s fascinating to look at the trends throughout history and in various parts of the world. For example, back in the day in Britania, it was not uncommon for a couple to name their oldest son after the husband’s father, and the oldest daughter after the wife’s mother. In Scandinavian countries, last names often changed with each generation and spoke of the relationship to the father: Gunderson (son of Gunder), Olafsdotter (daughter of Olof), etc. Even occupations (Taylor), locations, (Attwater – dweller at the water), and physical features (André the Giant) helped determine the names of individuals in divers periods, locations, and wrestling federations.
Perhaps my favorite naming trend, however, was the giving of “exemplary” or “successful” names to children in the hopes that the child would thus be inspired to live a better life. For girls, these often took the form of virtues: “Thankful”, “Virtue”, and “Prudence”, just to name a few. For the boys, it was all about titles: “President”, “General”, “Doctor”. How awesome is that? It is a mystery to me why such naming practices died out, but it is something I am determined to remedy. I hereby announce to the world my intention to set my future sons on the right path in life by giving them worthy titles as first names. In addition to the three previously mentioned, I’ve come up with some additional options as well:
- Czar
- Admiral
- Fuhrer
- Governor
- Captain
- Caesar
- Kaiser
I can’t wait to have kids.
Leave a Message at the Beep
2011.02.19 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | | 3 Comments
I love my voice mail. Apparently so does everybody who calls me too. Well, aside from the ones who are a bit creeped out. Here’s a collection of some of the best responses when people have given me a call.
Curious what is so entertaining/creepy about my message? Give me a call. I’ll be sure not to answer.
A More Imperfect Union
2011.01.14 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | dating, marriage, odd couples | 9 Comments
Surprisingly, my roommate is getting married.
Not that this, in and of itself is a surprise, but it’s the “who” he is marrying. And that’s not to say she is at all unattractive or would make a bad wife, either. She’s great. She’s great and he’s great. They are both individuals whom I respect and consider to be among my friends. But still, it’s surprising. Despite being great people, I just never would have seen the two of them together.
This isn’t the first time this has happened, either. I can think of a number of couples, either dating or married, who are an unlikely match. Either she’s granola and he’s a geek, or she’s a genius and he’s an “athlete” (that is to say, “not a genius”). Yet together, to the shock of all those who know them, it somehow works out. Clearly, there are some intricate laws of compatibility which we don’t yet understand.
In light of this, I am starting my own dating service—a service for the rest of us who haven’t found Mr-or-Mrs-Right among the pool of likely candidates. No, with this service, instead of taking the mainstream approach of setting up people with other like-minded individuals with whom they share common interests and ideals, it’s all about setting people up with those who you don’t see them with. Genius, no?
I think I’ll call it disharmony.com.
Miss 2011: Now Hiring
2011.01.01 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | auld lang syne, curses, dating | 19 Comments
I’m cursed. For some reason, the fates have decreed that I will only have one girlfriend a year. In 2010, that girlfriend made her appearance in January and we had said our goodbyes by the end of February which means it’s been a long ten months of solitary confinement. That’s ten months without a good cuddle. 306 days of playing with my own hair. 2.6 million snog-free seconds. *sigh*
But with the new year comes new beginnings. I can now officially begin the search for Miss 2011. Job description and qualifications found below:
Note: In anticipation of pending comments that would surely be made to this effect, the author would like to here clarify that dating him shouldn’t be seen as a task/chore/job, despite the fact it is being advertised as such. Think of it more as a party (until you meet the family, that is).
Job Description
Spending time, playing games, watching movies, and making dinner together. Enjoying the great outdoors, going to plays and concerts and on regular dates. All together. Exercising, running errands, holding hands, cuddling (and other related miscellaneous activities). Making memories. Occasional back rubs and hand massages and back scratches (both giving and receiving). Talking about the mysteries of the universe and listening to my crazy ideas and big dreams. Doing everything and nothing together. See, one big party!
Qualifications:
- Female (I’m not budging on this one)
- Born in the decade of NES, Crocodile Dundee, and “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
- A sense of fashion to make up for my lack thereof; must at least be tolerant of my spandex cycling outfits
- Must not carry a purse large enough to carry a pig
- Anti-Disney sentiments not a problem
- Culinary skills very much appreciated
- Bike-riding abilities are a plus
- Respect for chacos essential
- Good kissing skills encouraged but not required (some things can be learned with lots and lots of practice)
Let the interviews begin!
High Society
2010.10.06 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | barbershop, science, weights & measures | 4 Comments
The masses have started complaining again that I never update my blog. Here’s a two-for-one to keep you people quiet for awhile.
This is a chat I had with K-dog this morning. It’s fairly representative of the distinguished conversations we regularly hold via gchat.
Kellendric: Quote from the Nobel Prize winner in Chemistry concerning his win, “Uhh, I was sleeping, but I guess I am pretty excited.”
me: That’s epic. What is your quote going to be when you win?
Kellendric: They don’t have a nobel for earth science
me: I know. You’re going to win one in Physics.
Kellendric: Our medicine for ending aging
me: Baby in a cave
Kellendric: Obviously.
Does the Nobel committee read your blog, you think?
me: Definitely. I have a slew of followers in Northern Europe.
How many do you think a “slew” is, anyway?
Kellendric: 37
exactly
actually
me: Make that two slews then
Kellendric: Slew comes from the Basque word “sluev” which means “3 baker’s dozens lost two”
doesn’t exactly translate
but you get the picture
me: Yeah. Makes one wonder how the baker lost the two
This is the picture that came up when I searched the google for an image of a slew. Fitting, no?
Saving the Postal Service
2010.07.15 | Just a bunch of silliness, really | doctors, fish, grandmothers, jury duty | 5 Comments
My fellow Americans, the United States Postal Service is under duress. Maybe it’s the rise of e-mail and the Internet that is to blame, or the Constitutional mandate that essentially requires it to lose money, but whatever the cause, the USPS is broke.
I know, I know. I, too, was shocked to discover this. To think, a Governmental entity having financial troubles? Unfathomable. But it is what it is. However they got into this mess, we must get them out. We cannot allow the USPS to fail.
We must save the Post Office because we failed to save telegrams. We don’t want snail mail to similarly fall by the wayside due to the presence of cheaper, faster, in every-ways-superior alternative forms of communication. To do so would be to embrace progress, something we Americans will not stand for as shown by the existence of the “snuggy”, reality television, and the fact that I still don’t have a flying car.
We must save the Post Office because we love our grandmothers and we all understand that no grandmothers can get on to the Internet. If we wish to communicate with our aged forebearers, we must utilise “stamps”, “envelopes”, and “handwriting”.
We must save the Post Office because we can’t think of another way we are going to get an overweight, middle-aged man showing up at our doors in shorts that are too short.
We must save the Post Office to honor the memory of Horatio King, may he rest in dignity.
We must save the Post Office because how else would we find out if we were summoned for jury duty?
And finally, we must save the Post Office because it represents all that is decent about America, namely: specially modified trucks, no working on holidays, and years and years of suppressed anger that is finally released in one violent surge on a Thursday afternoon.
Again I say, the United States Postal Service must be saved!
Fortunately, in our role as America’s thinktank, Kellen and I have already begun enacting changes to put an end to this national catastrophe. We are confident our eight-point plan will not only help bring the USPS back from the brink of bankruptcy, but will also make America happy once again.
Point 1 – We are applying for as many opportunities to receive junk mail as possible. To speed up the process we are also helping our neighbors get the picture by ordering junk mail for them as well.
Point 2 – We play chess… via postcard. With an average game lasting 40 moves, and the price of a postcard stamp currently set at 28 cents, that’s $11.20 handed back into the very capable hands of our favorite Governmental Institution. Not only is this helping us to remember the joy of receiving mail once again, but we are also feeling a sense of satisfaction in knowing our game will outlast the current presidential administration. Kellen and I are seven moves into our current game. In my most recent move I B6′d to his D5, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t stand a chance.
Point 3 – We are ordering our big-ticket items—speedboats, shipping containers, and mail order lutefisk—online. Not only does this give the USPS more to deliver, but it has the added benefit of helping to suage Kellen’s insatiable lutefisk habit.
Point 4 – We have become penpals with foreign dignitaries, professional athletes, and popes. Current corresponders include Usain Bolt, Neil Diamond, and Nikita Khruschev.
Point 5 – We plan to use stamps as wallpaper in our homes. Not only will this display our high sense of style, but it will also be a history lesson for our children. “Here we have the James Madison memorial stamp room, and over here is the Hello Kitty room…”
Point 6 – We are lobbying the USPS to begin selling ice cream out of the backs of their trucks.
Point 7 – We are writing letters to people who have been mean to us letting them know they never should have crossed us because we are now rich and successful Doctors and Senators.
Point 8 – From now on, comments to this blog will only be accepted via mail.
