Tongue-in-Cheek

Highlights 08

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | | 3 Comments

I don’t come from a family that has many family traditions. Of course there were a few: Growing up my dad would prepare a giant Christmas stocking stuffed with newspaper-wrapped gifts he had collected through the year, many of which came from the DI. Another is that we’d all getting together for—and leave early from—the Priesthood Session of General Conference (I was 24 years old before I learned there is a closing prayer to Priesthood Session). I kinda wish my family had a few more traditions, but that is something I realize I can change when I have my own family. With that said, I’m always looking for a few new ideas for traditions.

One tradition I picked up on a few years back is to recount the highlights of the outgoing year. Seeing as I don’t have anyone I’ll be spending New Years with (buck up, Bronco, there’s always next year) here’s my list… or at least the ones I don’t feel too bashful to share:

• Having my identity stolen (I always knew I was popular and that everyone wants to be me but its nice to get the confirmation every now and again)
• Enjoying the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in
• Teaching Gospel Doctrine
• Becoming a morning person (although sadly this has made me become grumpy at night)
• Finally solving the dirty dishes problem in my apartment
• Getting a new car
• Tender mercies
• Going a full year without getting sick (thats a real tender mercy as I’m a baby when it comes to being sick)
• Throwing a frisbee 100 yards
• Havasu 3 trip up to Jackson
• Prank wars
• Looking good with a beard
• Raining women
• Seeing new colors in the fall leaves
• Getting an unexpected promotion at work
• Bringing my organization skills to the Ward
• Being a handyman
• The birth of a blog
• Oh yeah, and there was all this

The Cheese Curd Smile

Sunday, November 30th, 2008 | | 7 Comments

This past Saturday I ventured to Logan with one of my roommates for a double date. I went out with a girl who calls herself “Gudger” (different, I know), while my anonymous roommate had a blind date with one of Gudger’s friends. We had fun bowling, making lunch together, and touring around Logan by way of tandem bicycles (this was only made possible the fact that Logan’s 9-month-long winter had been delayed, likely due to the current rate of world piracy). Good times were had by all, but despite my joking beforehand to my roommate when I asked him, “Are you ready to meet the love of your life?”, I don’t think it was the love connection he might have been hoping for. Great girl, there was just no spark.

After dropping off the girls, us guys headed to Gossner’s dairy to buy some legendary Cache Valley cheese. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the expression of pure glee I saw on my roommate’s face as he walked out with four bags of cheese curds; he was like a little kid on Christmas morning.

I think we all deserve to end up with someone who brings the “cheese curd smile” to our faces. Granted not all relationships start out with that euphoria, and each relationship has its ups and downs, but if it doesn’t bring a smile to your face when you spend time with that special someone, or if you don’t feel even a bit of happy anticipation upon receiving an e-mail or text from him or her, it’s probably a sign that “someone” isn’t so special.

Enjoy your cheese curds, roomie. May we soon find that smile once more upon your face due to reasons completely unrelated to having eaten fine dairy products.

Thanks-taking

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 | | 4 Comments

As the citizens of the U.S. gather this upcoming Thursday to gorge themselves on turkey and football, they’ll also unite to give thanks for all that they are grateful for. That is a lot of thanks-giving and begs the question, “what is the square root of 35?”… no, really, “who is taking all this thanks?” I mean, when someone gives something, isn’t there supposed to be someone on the receiving end too? We wouldn’t want all that thanks to go to waste. In light of this long overlooked oversight (you can’t expect the pilgrims to have thought of everything… they were wearing buckles on their heads… BUCKLES, people!), I have elected myself to this humble role.

I’m sure this will go over well when I crash my friend’s family’s Thanksgiving gathering. Her family loves me. They love me so much, in fact, that when she and I stopped at her grandparents’ house on the way back from a trip this summer, they wanted me to be a part of the family so bad that they just assumed we were seriously dating and started announcing this to all of the extended family. Yeah, she had some cleaning up to do after that. Anyway, I’m hoping granny and gramps show up to offer me their thanks. I’d love to spread a few more rumors.

Why am I not spending Thanksgiving with family, you ask? Simple… it’s the “off year”. All of my local siblings will be spending Thanksgiving with their inlaws. How they all managed to get on the same schedule where they can spend the odd-numbered years with my family, and the even-numbered with the in-laws family is beyond me. I feel like if I were to accidentally marry a girl (it could happen) whose family had the opposite schedule, the world would implode upon itself.  I’ll have to add that to my list of questions to ask the girl before I get married, right in between “How do you feel about immunizing your children?” and ” What does square root mean, anyway?”

After I learned I was without local family to spend the holiday with I was planning on celebrating Thanksgiving alone (don’t feel bad for me. I was going to order pizza… AND crazy bread), but fearing my mother might hunt me down if she found out I chose to spend Thanksgiving alone I decided to accept my friend’s invite.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy that turkey. Treat yourself to a nice afternoon nap. And don’t forget, in taking your thanks, I accept Visa, Mastercard,

…and crazybread.

Win? Who Wants to Win?

Thursday, November 20th, 2008 | | 5 Comments

Yesterday my Frisbee team, the Corybantics, played in the championship game of upper division BYU Intramurals. We played wild, we played hard, yet at the end of the match we ended up losing, like the French in any war where they weren’t led by a woman. In this moment of defeat I am given cause to reflect… who wants to win, anyway? Who wants to be number one? After all, one IS the loneliest number. What satisfaction can come from knowing you are better than everyone else that you have met on the field of battle? Who wants a lousy t-shirt, prize money, spoils of war, or bragging rights?

*sigh*

I do. I like spoils. I want bragging rights… :(  but under the circumstances I’ll take pity. Spoils got nothin’ on pity.

Good season, ‘Bantics. We’ll get ‘em next year. Relish the pity.

Mr. Mole Man

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | | 4 Comments

I remember as a kid my favorite movie was “Condorman”. In that fine cinemetographic masterpiece the main character, a comic book artist, is recruited by the FBI to help catch some criminals. He agrees, but only on the conditions that he can become Condorman, his comic book creation, and defeat the thugs using the extravagant methods outlined in his comic books. He then goes around with elaborate gadgets and vehicles, all the while dressed up in his Condorman outfit (complete with wings and the requisite skin-tight superhero spandex). I wanted to be just like Condorman, but alas my calling is elsewhere in life: Call me Mr. Mole Man because *gasp* I’ve got moles.

These past few weeks I’ve made trips to the dermatologist, optometrist, and dentist.  I saw the dermatologist so he could take a look at this itty bitty suspicious mole I noticed, but apparently it got busy and had puppies while I was sleeping because he found *nervous cough* 19 of them. He gave his reasoning for wanting to remove them… something about potential cancer or something like that but all I heard was “by you coming in every other week for the next three months I’ll be able to buy that boat I’ve always wanted”. I’ve already got three divots in my back from his first attack.

But thats not the only thing plaguing Mr. Mole Man. My trip to the dentist was equally eventful. I decided to be frankly honest right from the start so I told the hygienist I don’t floss… at all. She braced herself and went to work. I think she made it her personal mission to convince me to floss, something no hygienist or dentist or girlfriend for that matter has been able to persuade me to do in 25 years. This woman was definitely a pro… she used a whole score of persuasive strategems like delivering her stump speech while she had sharp instruments in my mouth so I couldn’t respond, and using scare tactics complete with words like “gingivitis” and “gum disease”. I even think I caught a “pull your teeth out” in there.

Fortunately I survived this brutal onslaught. Join us next year when our hero rises once again to face the future villains of ingrown toenails and rheumatoid arthritis. I think I’ll pass on making myself a Mole Man costume, however… I don’t think I could pull off the tights.

Dressing for Success

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 | | 10 Comments

This past Saturday I ran a 5k up Provo Canyon called the “Pi Mi”. Unlike a real 5k which is 3.1 miles the pi mi, in honor of pi (which apparently gets so little respect that somebody had to put a race together for it), is 3.14 miles. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but in this race of more than a dozen people I placed 11th overall. I owe it all to my highly developed sense of fashion. Here’s how you too can dress for success in all your underrespected-number-honoring charity runs:

High School Cross Country Hat – This serves two obvious purposes: hiding your messed up hair from having just woken up to go run in a race which you actually PAID MONEY and WOKE UP EARLY to run in and to intimidate your competitors to show you have experience running and are crazy enough to do it again, thus sending the message they best stay out of your way. Why not a beanie, you ask? That’s simple: Because beanies are inferior as evidenced by Tyler, my roommate (to my left) who took 13th. 11th = baseball hat. 13th = beanie. I think we can all agree my logic is sound.

Headphones – I would have worn my earbuds but it was cold and these were doubling as earmuffs. The headphones were playing music from my iPod which was strapped to my left bicep, thus portraying in my competitors eyes that I was actually more muscular than reality and that I would beat them up if they tried to pass me… at least if they tried to pass me from the left side, that is.

Patagonia Capilene Jacket – Why? Because capilene is Awesome… and just about the most comfortable material known to man.

Wicked socks - These were also from my high school days (Beetdigger pride!) and were necessary due to the fact it was snowing just a few minutes before the race began.

Chacos – Let the record show I do not normally run in chacos and did not intend on wearing chacos but that I beat my roommate Tyler wearing chacos. Muahahaha… The truth is I left my running shoes in the middle of our living room floor as we left that morning.

I actually ran with Tyler and Annie (pictured to my right and looking at the camera in amazement at my sense of fashion) for the bulk of the race but with about a quarter mile to go my iPod played the song Brand New Key, by the Dollyrots. Check it out. The original, by Melanie, has to be the worst song ever, but the Dollyrots version has kick and when I heard it I couldn’t help it but just take off.

With a keen eye for fashion (which thankfully can be developed with training) you too can dress for success in all your endeavors. Better luck next time, Tyler.