Updates in the life
Headache
2009.08.27 | Updates in the life | headshot | 11 Comments
Had a few extra holes carved into my cranium today courtesy of my dermatologist. It’s a surreal experience to hear the scrape of scalpel on skull from the inside of your head. It almost beats the smell of your own burning flesh as he cauterizes the wound.
And you thought I gave myself bad haircuts…
Cougar Convert
2009.08.22 | Updates in the life | bribery, byu, family | 11 Comments
Last weekend marked the 2nd annual sleepover between my oldest sister’s three boys (Jacob-14, Jordy-8, & James-4) and their favorite Uncle Rob. I use the term favorite, but really the sleepover is an important factor in keeping me in the running for favorite uncledom as I don’t have (1) a 7.1 digital surround sound theater with X-box like their Uncle Steve or (2) a dog like their Uncle Levi. Rather, what I lack in state-of-the-art technology and canines I have to make up for in letting the kids do whatever they want—as any true favorite uncle would.
Unfortunately the kids were a bit late getting dropped off so we didn’t get to do too much (such as enlisting James’ cuteness factor to help me score a few extra dates) but we still managed to have fun playing games, eating food, and watching a movie. The highlight of the sleepover, however, (besides making James feel better about having to wear a diaper to bed by telling him my roommate Brock did too) was building some goodwill between the kids—who are being raised to be staunch Ute fans—and BYU. I’m not sure if it was due to my favorite uncle status, mind-boggling persuasive powers, or simply the undeniable logic of my position, but by the end of the sleepover little four-year-old James had become a true-blue BYU cougar. (Yes, thats right: I have what it takes to convince a four-year-old.) Jacob and Jordy nobly—if not misguidedly—attempted to stop any pictures from being taken of their little brother with BYU paraphernalia but he quite-of-his-own-free-will wrapped up in our BYU blanket as we snapped a quick photo.
I was a bit skeptical whether the change would last once he got home back into Ute territory, but I couldn’t have been prouder when his dad tried to get him to say “BYU stinks like poo” and he refused. And just when I thought the kid couldn’t get any cuter…
Now That’s Quality Television…
2009.07.29 | Updates in the life | fame & glory, opinions | 16 Comments
There I was, minding my own business when my friend Shawn texted me with an important business proposition (all important business transactions are done via text message these days—in fact the current proposed 1000+ page Health Care bill was originally submitted as a series of 15,172 text messages). “Would you be willing to do a TV interview?” he asked. Now, to the average Joe, this might seem like an off-the-wall question, but when you’re as famous as I am these TV spots are a regular thing. My television debut happened at the ripe age of seven when I was featured during the closing credits of the local news fishing on free fishing day (I caught a carp, which sadly was not caught on tape—I used worms). That experience was followed a mere 10 years later by my very own commercial wherein I recited a poem I had written for a contest/school assignment commemorating the likeliest of subjects: “Black History Month”.
My response, naturally, was to promptly forget about the text. In fact, I’m pretty sure I forgot about Shawn entirely there for a few days… I’m sure I was doing something highly important at the time, like signing autographs or participating in a celebrity charity fund-raiser. No, really, I was more likely than not getting ready for a round of disc golf and I can’t exactly let myself get distracted from my game, otherwise it throws of my groove and then Tyler beats me, and we can’t have that happening, now can we?
So we golfed. And I’m sure I won. And I forgot about said TV interview. Then a week-or-so later I ran into Shawn and he again asked about my willingness to be interviewed. Turns out Shawn works for a local cable provider and has the responsibility of coming up with programs they can air on one of their stations. He came up with this idea for a show where they interview, as Shawn put it, “important, influential locals…” he paused, looking for the right words, and I started to feel highly flattered/important/influential, as he continued, “…and really really opinionated people.” Suddenly it all makes a little more sense. And so I, slightly-dejected/highly-opinionated/non-imporant-or-influential Rob Martin took the gig.
The day of the interview came and we talked about really exciting topics including the recession, independence, and old people. Sadly, though, we didn’t even get into topics I felt particularly opinionated about. Topics like: my shipping container dream home, library book detectors, or Poland. Still, it’s a start. I’m sure my public will be pleased.
The Summer of Eventful Summer Events
2009.07.04 | Updates in the life | athletic prowess, dating, food, investing | 9 Comments
Do you ever get that feeling that there’s never enough going on? That you wish you had more to keep you occupied? Yeah, me neither. It’s been an eventful summer. A busy summer, but good busy. Here’s a taste of whats been going on:
- Playing Frisbee Golf (every Saturday and often once or twice during the week as well)
- Taking advantage of the bear market
- Being told by a grumpy old man “You give me heartburn.”
- Star Trek (One of the best movies I’ve seen in the theater)
- This. →
- Receiving a not-so-subtle gift from my mother: “Dating for Dummies” (thanks, mom!)
- Tinfoil dinners, shish kebabs, grilled corn, and dutch oven peach cobbler
- The end of a drought
- Suddenly becoming self-conscious of my bottom lip
- Curry
- Playing Oregon Trail with my Barium-drinking friend and only losing one of her children to the eagles
- Camping with Kellendric
I just pulled out the calendar and scheduled out the rest of my summer months. There are plenty more adventures to come…
hopefully more heartburn too
Vacationeering in Grand Canyon Style
2009.06.15 | Updates in the life | composting, cute, lima beans, lost, refugees, vacation | 9 Comments
Sometimes you just have to get away from the stresses of life—the daily grind of work, snoring roommates, the multitudes of adoring fans—and work on your chaco tan. Last week was just such a time and so I headed down to Havasupai with some friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers for a long-needed chaco vacation.
Havasupai (literally translated: “you hiked all that way for this?!?”) is an Indian Reservation in the Grand Canyon that bears the designation of being the only place in the US where they deliver the mail by way of mule train. This might mean something if it weren’t for the helicopter that makes 20+ runs daily into the village. Apparently using the mules for their mail transit is more a matter of principle than practicality (by principle I, too, prefer my postcards to smell of hairy beasts of burden).
Getting to the trailhead meant driving through Boulder City where my parents live and where we stopped for a church/food break. (True story: In navigating us to my parents house I was near flawless. That is to say, I got us all the way there only to incorrectly identify the next-door neighbor’s house as that of my mom and dad. In my defense though my dad had parked his very distinguished van next-door so it wasn’t really a fair test …and my parents say I don’t visit often enough… pfft) Leaving Boulder City we crossed Hoover Dam while listening to the Transformers soundtrack and looking in awe at the bridge they are building there. I was driving the lead vehicle by this point and happened to look in the rear-view mirror as we were coming within sight of the bridge just in time to see Jessie who was driving the second car as her eyes got really big and she mouthed the unmistakable words: “That is SO COOL!”.
Monday morning we hiked in. I was wearing my backless chaco zongs (scandalous, I know) and they held up beautifully. Supai village was just as I remembered it, with no signs of the ravaging flash-flood that had swept through last year. This was not the case when it came to the campground, however. Almost all of the trees were gone, leaving most of the campsites with very little privacy. It was kinda like a refugee camp, complete with people lining up at the one fresh water source to fill up. Annie says I need to be more positive on my blog though so I will say this, I am SURE it was just like a refugee camp. No, really though, it was a… um… really NICE refugee camp. Anyway, we kept hiking to the far end of the campground where the trees seemed to be less disturbed and were fortunate to find an isolated spot to set camp.
I mentioned the village was just as I remembered it. This was actually my second trip to Havasupai. On my first we spent a good deal of our time discussing how filling Taco Bell Chicken Quesadillas were (answer: surprisingly filling) and guessing the letters on overturned scrabble tiles two at a time: “L & X?” “Nope, E & F” “Um… R & M?” “Close, V & H”. Fortunately we had much more important items on the agenda this time… like learning the correct usage of the term “cute”. I never realized before this trip how much meaning such a small word can contain. For example, If Girl A is talking about Girl B and she says, “She is so cute” she is really saying Girl B is her good friend. This, however, shouldn’t be confused with “She is SO CUTE” (translation: “She is probably the nicest person I know”) and DEFINITELY does not mean the same thing as “She is so CUTE” (literally: “She has the personality of a lima bean”). 
Other highlights included hiding our supreme jealousy as we made fun of Jessie & Annie for bringing 3” thick sleeping pads (click their names to read their highly-biased accounts of the trip), learning about the art (yes, it is an art) of composting, and helping Annie to like—or at least to not be so uncomfortable with—physical touch.
All in all, it was a good trip, but as good as it is to get away from it all it’s always good to come home
…so long as I can find it.
The Dark Side of Disneyland
2009.03.17 | Updates in the life | allowance, dancing dolls, family, leashes, vacation | 15 Comments
For the record I voted for the cruise. Somehow, however, last week I found myself in Disneyland with family. (I’m still not sure exactly how it happened but I’m not convinced drugs weren’t somehow involved) I know, I know, Disneyland is the last place anyone would expect to find me. I’ve long held that when I have kids I’m going to tell them that Disneyland is a myth, just like Santa Claus, leprechauns, and allowance. Really, though, there was no getting around it. My family last visited Disneyland during the Clinton Administration. Apparently we have some unnatural obligation to attend every time a Democrat is elected President (and you wonder why I vote Republican), and so, like good Patriots, off we went.
The trip was… revealing. We have all heard how Disneyland is the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Even all those football players on the old TV commercials made us believe going to Disneyland was all they wanted to do after winning the Superbowl. Football players? Advertising where you want to vacation? Football players aren’t even bright enough to pick a career that doesn’t consist of getting pummeled, yet we trust them when it comes to vacation advice? We should have been better prepared. What we discovered in sunny California was a dark dark world. It all began with…
Rabid Children – Everywhere we looked in the park we saw little kids with sharp pointed teeth. Those that weren’t busy snarling were devouring oversized turkey legs. Fortunately, most parents had enough sense to control their offspring within the park via child leashes. To avoid the children we subjected ourselves to…
3D Shooting Games – Our family quickly discovered Toy Story Midway Mania, an interactive game where you ride in a cart and shoot 3D darts at various targets in an attempt to rack up as many points as possible. We learned that this relatively-new ride has been extremely popular and due to that they are planning on creating a new series of similar interactive rides. “Extremely popular” may be the term they are using in the Disney boardrooms but I’d say “Horrendously Addicting” is more accurate. We met one individual who had come to the park for a short visit and found himself still there 30 days later, riding this one ride over and over. Another rider we met comes to the park four days a week and likewise spends all his time on this one ride. Sadly my own mother became another hapless victim. I haven’t seen that level of addiction since Tetris came out on the NES. It wasn’t even enough to wait in line together to ride… she had us take advantage of the Single Rider (read: Dysfunctional Family) line to get as many rounds in as possible. If anyone knows of a Toy Story Midway Mania Addicts Support Group that my mom can attend let me know. The horrors of addiction were only surpassed by…
Small World – Only prisoners in Guantanamo, residents of the Great White North, and those who have experienced the Small World ride at Disneyland know what real torture is. Fortunately I remembered enough of the horror from my first trip to Disneyland to give this ride a large berth. While my family all rode together I ate food and arranged to meet them out of hearing range of the horrible horrible ride. I am one to easily get songs stuck in my head and hearing one repeated over and over in dozens of different languages at high volume by dancing dolls doesn’t exactly help that unfortunate tendency. This horror was unmatched until…
Discover Your Disney Character – In this interactive feature you can answer questions that will reveal which Disney character you are most like. Sounds harmless, right? Yeah, I was fine with it until my mother was revealed to be Ariel. I’ll never be able to look at seashell-clad Little Mermaid in the same way ever again. And just when the nightmares had finally stopped.
Highlights 08
2008.12.31 | Updates in the life | | 3 Comments
I don’t come from a family that has many family traditions. Of course there were a few: Growing up my dad would prepare a giant Christmas stocking stuffed with newspaper-wrapped gifts he had collected through the year, many of which came from the DI. Another is that we’d all getting together for—and leave early from—the Priesthood Session of General Conference (I was 24 years old before I learned there is a closing prayer to Priesthood Session). I kinda wish my family had a few more traditions, but that is something I realize I can change when I have my own family. With that said, I’m always looking for a few new ideas for traditions.
One tradition I picked up on a few years back is to recount the highlights of the outgoing year. Seeing as I don’t have anyone I’ll be spending New Years with (buck up, Bronco, there’s always next year) here’s my list… or at least the ones I don’t feel too bashful to share:
- Having my identity stolen (I always knew I was popular and that everyone wants to be me but its nice to get the confirmation every now and again)
- Enjoying the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in
- Teaching Gospel Doctrine
- Becoming a morning person (although sadly this has made me become grumpy at night)
- Finally solving the dirty dishes problem in my apartment
- Getting a new car
- Tender mercies
- Going a full year without getting sick (thats a real tender mercy as I’m a baby when it comes to being sick)
- Throwing a frisbee 100 yards
- Havasu 3 trip up to Jackson
- Prank wars
- Looking good with a beard
- Raining women
- Seeing new colors in the fall leaves
- Getting an unexpected promotion at work
- Bringing my organization skills to the Ward
- Being a handyman
- The birth of a blog
- Oh yeah, and there was all this
Win? Who Wants to Win?
2008.11.20 | Updates in the life | | 5 Comments
Yesterday my Frisbee team, the Corybantics, played in the championship game of upper division BYU Intramurals. We played wild, we played hard, yet at the end of the match we ended up losing, like the French in any war where they weren’t led by a woman. In this moment of defeat I am given cause to reflect… who wants to win, anyway? Who wants to be number one? After all, one IS the loneliest number. What satisfaction can come from knowing you are better than everyone else that you have met on the field of battle? Who wants a lousy t-shirt, prize money, spoils of war, or bragging rights?
*sigh*
I do. I like spoils. I want bragging rights… :( but under the circumstances I’ll take pity. Spoils got nothin’ on pity.
Good season, ‘Bantics. We’ll get ‘em next year. Relish the pity.
Mr. Mole Man
2008.10.30 | Updates in the life | | 4 Comments
I remember as a kid my favorite movie was “Condorman”. In that fine cinemetographic masterpiece the main character, a comic book artist, is recruited by the FBI to help catch some criminals. He agrees, but only on the conditions that he can become Condorman, his comic book creation, and defeat the thugs using the extravagant methods outlined in his comic books. He then goes around with elaborate gadgets and vehicles, all the while dressed up in his Condorman outfit (complete with wings and the requisite skin-tight superhero spandex). I wanted to be just like Condorman, but alas my calling is elsewhere in life: Call me Mr. Mole Man because *gasp* I’ve got moles.
These past few weeks I’ve made trips to the dermatologist, optometrist, and dentist. I saw the dermatologist so he could take a look at this itty bitty suspicious mole I noticed, but apparently it got busy and had puppies while I was sleeping because he found *nervous cough* 19 of them. He gave his reasoning for wanting to remove them… something about potential cancer or something like that but all I heard was “by you coming in every other week for the next three months I’ll be able to buy that boat I’ve always wanted”. I’ve already got three divots in my back from his first attack.
But thats not the only thing plaguing Mr. Mole Man. My trip to the dentist was equally eventful. I decided to be frankly honest right from the start so I told the hygienist I don’t floss… at all. She braced herself and went to work. I think she made it her personal mission to convince me to floss, something no hygienist or dentist or girlfriend for that matter has been able to persuade me to do in 25 years. This woman was definitely a pro… she used a whole score of persuasive strategems like delivering her stump speech while she had sharp instruments in my mouth so I couldn’t respond, and using scare tactics complete with words like “gingivitis” and “gum disease”. I even think I caught a “pull your teeth out” in there.
Fortunately I survived this brutal onslaught. Join us next year when our hero rises once again to face the future villains of ingrown toenails and rheumatoid arthritis. I think I’ll pass on making myself a Mole Man costume, however… I don’t think I could pull off the tights.
Dressing for Success
2008.10.14 | Updates in the life | | 10 Comments
- Look, Ma, I dressed myself!
This past Saturday I ran a 5k up Provo Canyon called the “Pi Mi”. Unlike a real 5k which is 3.1 miles the pi mi, in honor of pi (which apparently gets so little respect that somebody had to put a race together for it), is 3.14 miles. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but in this race of more than a dozen people I placed 11th overall. I owe it all to my highly developed sense of fashion. Here’s how you too can dress for success in all your underrespected-number-honoring charity runs:
High School Cross Country Hat – This serves two obvious purposes: hiding your messed up hair from having just woken up to go run in a race which you actually PAID MONEY and WOKE UP EARLY to run in and to intimidate your competitors to show you have experience running and are crazy enough to do it again, thus sending the message they best stay out of your way. Why not a beanie, you ask? That’s simple: Because beanies are inferior as evidenced by Tyler, my roommate (to my left) who took 13th. 11th = baseball hat. 13th = beanie. I think we can all agree my logic is sound.
Headphones – I would have worn my earbuds but it was cold and these were doubling as earmuffs. The headphones were playing music from my iPod which was strapped to my left bicep, thus portraying in my competitors eyes that I was actually more muscular than reality and that I would beat them up if they tried to pass me… at least if they tried to pass me from the left side, that is.
Patagonia Capilene Jacket – Why? Because capilene is Awesome… and just about the most comfortable material known to man.
Wicked socks - These were also from my high school days (Beetdigger pride!) and were necessary due to the fact it was snowing just a few minutes before the race began.
Chacos – Let the record show I do not normally run in chacos and did not intend on wearing chacos but that I beat my roommate Tyler wearing chacos. Muahahaha… The truth is I left my running shoes in the middle of our living room floor as we left that morning.
I actually ran with Tyler and Annie (pictured to my right and looking at the camera in amazement at my sense of fashion) for the bulk of the race but with about a quarter mile to go my iPod played the song Brand New Key, by the Dollyrots. Check it out. The original, by Melanie, has to be the worst song ever, but the Dollyrots version has kick and when I heard it I couldn’t help it but just take off.
With a keen eye for fashion (which thankfully can be developed with training) you too can dress for success in all your endeavors. Better luck next time, Tyler.
