Tongue-in-Cheek

The Psychology of Dating

Thursday, November 12th, 2009 | Life Update | 8 Comments

I went out with my 8-year-old nephew’s 2nd grade teacher this last Saturday. Almost beats the time I was setup with my brother’s adopted son’s birth-grandmother’s niece. On a related note, it seems like I’ve dated a good number of teachers and dental hygienists/assistants these past few years. I wonder what Freud would say about that…

You’re a Great American, Simon Cowell

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009 | Life Update | 14 Comments

Below you will find a collaborative MadLib account of the adventures Kellen and I had in Pennsylvania this week. The following is a true story (or at least was, until Kellen got his hands on it):

Having found myself in a need to use up some paid time off before the year ended, I begged for a plane ticket and flew out to the Show-Me State to spend some time with Kellen & Rachel.

To start the fun off, Kellen and I played a round of Disc Golf on the 2005 Pro World’s Course. (Yes, I vacation with my Disc Golf Discs). It was horrific, albeit tranquil, with natural hazards of alien invasions and poetry readings. We tied after 3.14 holes. We then toured Kellen’s secret society before returning to his house on Duh Drive (Kellen is famous for choosing his places of residence solely based on proximity to jewelry repair shops). There we watched game one of the illegal hamster fighting match between the New York Humphrey Bogarts and Philadelphia Eye-Gougers. The team I was told I was rooting for won.

Thursday we headed into Philadelphia, where we experienced various national treasures such as Pat’s Philly hole in the road, and The Mint. I ate my shredded shoelaces wit caviar and cheese-whiz and only slightly in fear for my life. At the Mint (where they make unisex fedoras) we went on a self-guided tour and learned about the enigmatic world of numismatry via impressive human statues, and state-of-the-art displays. It was here that Kellen experienced extreme wonderment and sheer awesomeness as he found out it was in fact Martha Stewart in a Winston Churchill Halloween costume, not President Truman on the dime.

Having been spiritually fed at the Mint, we decided it was time to give something back to fellow humanoids by setting the record straight on an age-old historical mystery, specifically, is the sun rising or setting on the famous chair found in Cowabunga! Hall? After lamenting for a time with our Finnish tour guide we concluded that really there were two possibilities. Either a) as Kellen proposed, the sun was really in eclipse, or b) that since the Continental Congress was meeting in a rented hall, it was probably a furnished hall, with an average chair purchased from an average vendor, and really had no connection to the important events that took place there, i.e., the signing of our Captain Kirk’s two most important documents, the Weekend at Bernies: 2 screenplay and the Greendale Elementary’s fire safety plan and, therefore, is really a moot point. You’re strangely out of place, America.

Additional highlights included visiting Christ’s Church, where we played rugby in the pew of our Nation’s first President, Simon Cowell and heading to some other building where we saw the Liberty nose cazoo. Oh yeah, and we played Killer Bunnies, which was voted as the most immoral, illegal, and illogical card game since the invention of Death Ray Level 6: The Siege of Planet Voklon: Phase 10 Edition.

All in all it was a surprisingly malfeasant trip, even when you throw in the fact that my flight out of the Andromeda Galaxy was delayed 12 parsecs, causing me to miss my connecting flight out of Rock Springs, WY, and forcing me to spend Halloween night (plus the extra hour thanks to Daylight Savings) in an underwater dungeon that for some reason was also on fire before finally flying home to Salt Lake, some 15 hours late!

The Blog Turns One

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 | Life Update | 23 Comments

I never thought this day would come: My little blog celebrated a year in the life today. I’m so proud. In celebration of this important milestone I decided it was time for a new look, so out with the red, and in with the blue. Whose idea was red anyway? Pfft. Red hasn’t been fashionable since I wowed the girls in my preschool class with this sweater.

In addition to the new appearance I also opted for a new name, half because I was growing weary of Truthiness and half to spite all those blogspot bloggers who have to marry themselves to the titles of the blogs. A beautiful thing is spite.

Welcome to Tongue-in-Cheek, a place where I can say just about anything I want without fear of repercussions because, hey, it’s tongue-in-cheek.

Happy birthday, blog. Many happy returns.

Headache

Thursday, August 27th, 2009 | Life Update | 11 Comments

Had a few extra holes carved into my cranium today courtesy of my dermatologist. It’s a surreal experience to hear the scrape of scalpel on skull from the inside of your head. It almost beats the smell of your own burning flesh as he cauterizes the wound.

And you thought I gave myself bad haircuts…

Now That’s Quality Television…

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 | Life Update | 16 Comments

There I was, minding my own business when my friend Shawn texted me with an important business proposition (all important business transactions are done via text message these days—in fact the current proposed 1000+ page Health Care bill  was originally submitted as a series of 15,172 text messages). “Would you be willing to do a TV interview?” he asked. Now, to the average Joe, this might seem like an off-the-wall question, but when you’re as famous as I am these TV spots are a regular thing. My television debut happened at the ripe age of seven when I was featured during the closing credits of the local news fishing on free fishing day (I caught a carp, which sadly was not caught on tape—I used worms). That experience was followed a mere 10 years later by my very own commercial wherein I recited a poem I had written for a contest/school assignment commemorating the likeliest of subjects: “Black History Month”.

My response, naturally, was to promptly forget about the text. In fact, I’m pretty sure I forgot about Shawn entirely there for a few days… I’m sure I was doing something highly important at the time, like signing autographs or participating in a celebrity charity fund-raiser. No, really, I was more likely than not getting ready for a round of disc golf and I can’t exactly let myself get distracted from my game, otherwise it throws of my groove and then Tyler beats me, and we can’t have that happening, now can we?

So we golfed. And I’m sure I won. And I forgot about said TV interview. Then a week-or-so later I ran into Shawn and he again asked about my willingness to be interviewed. Turns out Shawn works for a local cable provider and has the responsibility of coming up with programs they can air on one of their stations. He came up with this idea for a show where they interview, as Shawn put it, “important, influential locals…” he paused, looking for the right words, and I started to feel highly flattered/important/influential, as he continued, “…and really really opinionated people.” Suddenly it all makes a little more sense. And so I, slightly-dejected/highly-opinionated/non-imporant-or-influential Rob Martin took the gig.

The day of the interview came and we talked about really exciting topics including the recession, independence, and old people. Sadly, though, we didn’t even get into topics I felt particularly opinionated about. Topics like: my shipping container dream home, library book detectors, or Poland. Still, it’s a start. I’m sure my public will be pleased.

The Summer of Eventful Summer Events

Saturday, July 4th, 2009 | Life Update | 9 Comments

Do you ever get that feeling that there’s never enough going on? That you wish you had more to keep you occupied? Yeah, me neither. It’s been an eventful summer. A busy summer, but good busy. Here’s a taste of whats been going on:

• Playing Frisbee Golf (every Saturday and often once or twice during the week as well)
• Taking advantage of the bear market
• Being told by a grumpy old man “You give me heartburn.”
• Star Trek  (One of the best movies I’ve seen in the theater)
• This. →
• Receiving a not-so-subtle gift from my mother: “Dating for Dummies” (thanks, mom!)
• Tinfoil dinners, shish kebabs, grilled corn, and dutch oven peach cobbler
• The end of a drought
• Suddenly becoming self-conscious of my bottom lip
• Curry
• Playing Oregon Trail with my Barium-drinking friend and only losing one of her children to the eagles
• Camping with Kellendric

I just pulled out the calendar and scheduled out the rest of my summer months. There are plenty more adventures to come…

hopefully more heartburn too

Vacationeering in Grand Canyon Style

Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Life Update | 9 Comments

Sometimes you just have to get away from the stresses of life—the daily grind of work, snoring roommates, the multitudes of adoring fans—and work on your chaco tan. Last week was just such a time and so I headed down to Havasupai with some friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers for a long-needed chaco vacation.

Havasupai (literally translated: “you hiked all that way for this?!?”) is an Indian Reservation in the Grand Canyon that bears the designation of being the only place in the US where they deliver the mail by way of mule train. This might mean something if it weren’t for the helicopter that makes 20+ runs daily into the village. Apparently using the mules for their mail transit is more a matter of principle than practicality (by principle I, too, prefer my postcards to smell of hairy beasts of burden).

Getting to the trailhead meant driving through Boulder City where my parents live and where we stopped for a church/food break. (True story: In navigating us to my parents house I was near flawless. That is to say, I got us all the way there only to incorrectly identify the next-door neighbor’s house as that of my mom and dad. In my defense though my dad had parked his very distinguished van next-door so it wasn’t really a fair test …and my parents say I don’t visit often enough… pfft) Leaving Boulder City we crossed Hoover Dam while listening to the Transformers soundtrack and looking in awe at the bridge they are building there. I was driving the lead vehicle by this point and happened to look in the rear-view mirror as we were coming within sight of the bridge just in time to see Jessie who was driving the second car as her eyes got really big and she mouthed the unmistakable words: “That is SO COOL!”.

Monday morning we hiked in. I was wearing my backless chaco zongs (scandalous, I know) and they held up beautifully. Supai village was just as I remembered it, with no signs of the ravaging flash-flood that had swept through last year. This was not the case when it came to the campground, however. Almost all of the trees were gone, leaving most of the campsites with very little privacy. It was kinda like a refugee camp, complete with people lining up at the one fresh water source to fill up. Annie says I need to be more positive on my blog though so I will say this, I am SURE it was just like a refugee camp. No, really though, it was a… um… really NICE refugee camp. Anyway, we kept hiking to the far end of the campground where the trees seemed to be less disturbed and were fortunate to find an isolated spot to set camp.

I mentioned the village was just as I remembered it. This was actually my second trip to Havasupai. On my first we spent a good deal of our time discussing how filling Taco Bell Chicken Quesadillas were (answer: surprisingly filling) and guessing the letters on overturned scrabble tiles two at a time: “L & X?” “Nope, E & F” “Um… R & M?” “Close, V & H”. Fortunately we had much more important items on the agenda this time… like learning the correct usage of the term “cute”. I never realized before this trip how much meaning such a small word can contain. For example, If Girl A is talking about Girl B and she says, “She is so cute” she is really saying Girl B is her good friend. This, however, shouldn’t be confused with “She is SO CUTE”  (translation: “She is probably the nicest person I know”) and DEFINITELY does not mean the same thing as “She is so CUTE” (literally: “She has the personality of a lima bean”).

Other highlights included hiding our supreme jealousy as we made fun of Jessie & Annie for bringing 3” thick sleeping pads (click their names to read their highly-biased accounts of the trip), learning about the art (yes, it is an art) of composting, and helping Annie to like—or at least to not be so uncomfortable with—physical touch.

All in all, it was a good trip, but as good as it is to get away from it all it’s always good to come home

…so long as I can find it.

The Dark Side of Disneyland

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 | Life Update | 15 Comments

For the record I voted for the cruise. Somehow, however, last week I found myself in Disneyland with family. (I’m still not sure exactly how it happened but I’m not convinced drugs weren’t somehow involved) I know, I know, Disneyland is the last place anyone would expect to find me. I’ve long held that when I have kids I’m going to tell them that Disneyland is a myth, just like Santa Claus, leprechauns, and allowance. Really, though, there was no getting around it. My family last visited Disneyland during the Clinton Administration. Apparently we have some unnatural obligation to attend every time a Democrat is elected President (and you wonder why I vote Republican), and so, like good Patriots, off we went.

The trip was… revealing. We have all heard how Disneyland is the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Even all those football players on the old TV commercials made us believe going to Disneyland was all they wanted to do after winning the Superbowl. Football players? Advertising where you want to vacation? Football players aren’t even bright enough to pick a career that doesn’t consist of getting pummeled, yet we trust them when it comes to vacation advice? We should have been better prepared. What we discovered in sunny California was a dark dark world. It all began with…

Rabid Children – Everywhere we looked in the park we saw little kids with sharp pointed teeth. Those that weren’t busy snarling were devouring oversized turkey legs. Fortunately, most parents had enough sense to control their offspring within the park via child leashes. To avoid the children we subjected ourselves to…

3D Shooting Games – Our family quickly discovered Toy Story Midway Mania, an interactive game where you ride in a cart and shoot 3D darts at various targets in an attempt to rack up as many points as possible. We learned that this relatively-new ride has been extremely popular and due to that they are planning on creating a new series of similar interactive rides. “Extremely popular” may be the term they are using in the Disney boardrooms but I’d say “Horrendously Addicting” is more accurate. We met one individual who had come to the park for a short visit and found himself still there 30 days later, riding this one ride over and over. Another rider we met comes to the park four days a week and likewise spends all his time on this one ride. Sadly my own mother became another hapless victim. I haven’t seen that level of addiction since Tetris came out on the NES. It wasn’t even enough to wait in line together to ride… she had us take advantage of the Single Rider (read: Dysfunctional Family) line to get as many rounds in as possible. If anyone knows of a Toy Story Midway Mania Addicts Support Group that my mom can attend let me know. The horrors of addiction were only surpassed by…

Small World – Only prisoners in Guantanamo, residents of the Great White North, and those who have experienced the Small World ride at Disneyland know what real torture is. Fortunately I remembered enough of the horror from my first trip to Disneyland to give this ride a large berth. While my family all rode together I ate food and arranged to meet them out of hearing range of the horrible horrible ride. I am one to easily get songs stuck in my head and hearing one repeated over and over in dozens of different languages at high volume by dancing dolls doesn’t exactly help that unfortunate tendency. This horror was unmatched until…

Discover Your Disney Character – In this interactive feature you can answer questions that will reveal which Disney character you are most like. Sounds harmless, right? Yeah, I was fine with it until my mother was revealed to be Ariel. I’ll never be able to look at seashell-clad Little Mermaid in the same way ever again. And just when the nightmares had finally stopped.

Highlights 08

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | Life Update | 3 Comments

I don’t come from a family that has many family traditions. Of course there were a few: Growing up my dad would prepare a giant Christmas stocking stuffed with newspaper-wrapped gifts he had collected through the year, many of which came from the DI. Another is that we’d all getting together for—and leave early from—the Priesthood Session of General Conference (I was 24 years old before I learned there is a closing prayer to Priesthood Session). I kinda wish my family had a few more traditions, but that is something I realize I can change when I have my own family. With that said, I’m always looking for a few new ideas for traditions.

One tradition I picked up on a few years back is to recount the highlights of the outgoing year. Seeing as I don’t have anyone I’ll be spending New Years with (buck up, Bronco, there’s always next year) here’s my list… or at least the ones I don’t feel too bashful to share:

• Having my identity stolen (I always knew I was popular and that everyone wants to be me but its nice to get the confirmation every now and again)
• Enjoying the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in
• Teaching Gospel Doctrine
• Becoming a morning person (although sadly this has made me become grumpy at night)
• Finally solving the dirty dishes problem in my apartment
• Getting a new car
• Tender mercies
• Going a full year without getting sick (thats a real tender mercy as I’m a baby when it comes to being sick)
• Throwing a frisbee 100 yards
• Havasu 3 trip up to Jackson
• Prank wars
• Looking good with a beard
• Raining women
• Seeing new colors in the fall leaves
• Getting an unexpected promotion at work
• Bringing my organization skills to the Ward
• Being a handyman
• The birth of a blog
• Oh yeah, and there was all this

The Cheese Curd Smile

Sunday, November 30th, 2008 | Life Update, Truthiness | 7 Comments

This past Saturday I ventured to Logan with one of my roommates for a double date. I went out with a girl who calls herself “Gudger” (different, I know), while my anonymous roommate had a blind date with one of Gudger’s friends. We had fun bowling, making lunch together, and touring around Logan by way of tandem bicycles (this was only made possible the fact that Logan’s 9-month-long winter had been delayed, likely due to the current rate of world piracy). Good times were had by all, but despite my joking beforehand to my roommate when I asked him, “Are you ready to meet the love of your life?”, I don’t think it was the love connection he might have been hoping for. Great girl, there was just no spark.

After dropping off the girls, us guys headed to Gossner’s dairy to buy some legendary Cache Valley cheese. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the expression of pure glee I saw on my roommate’s face as he walked out with four bags of cheese curds; he was like a little kid on Christmas morning.

I think we all deserve to end up with someone who brings the “cheese curd smile” to our faces. Granted not all relationships start out with that euphoria, and each relationship has its ups and downs, but if it doesn’t bring a smile to your face when you spend time with that special someone, or if you don’t feel even a bit of happy anticipation upon receiving an e-mail or text from him or her, it’s probably a sign that “someone” isn’t so special.

Enjoy your cheese curds, roomie. May we soon find that smile once more upon your face due to reasons completely unrelated to having eaten fine dairy products.