Tongue-in-Cheek

The Magic Words of Dating

Saturday, November 8th, 2008 | | 7 Comments

Every so often there comes a word, a magic word of such power it can get you whatever you want. For Ali Baba it was “sesame”. Back in the 60’s in the Midwest it was “jazzed”. If you said the word “jazzed” in Cleveland in the late 60’s you owned that town. Fortunately for our generation a new magic word has been discovered: “hypothetically”.

No, I don’t mean that a new word has hypothetically been discovered. The new word is hypothetically. Why is this such a powerful word, you ask? One word: dating loophole. A dating loophole is a way to remove all chance of rejection when asking a girl out (even if that means she doesn’t KNOW she’s being asked out). Before the discovery of “hypothetically”, there were only two known dating loopholes: “hanging out” (Elder Oaks would be ashamed) and the “purposely lost bet”. Hanging out needs no explaining but the purposely lost bet comes from an episode of Seinfeld where a man, Todd Gak, makes a bet with Elaine he knows he is going to lose with the precondition that the loser buys the winner dinner. This way he gets a date without having to ask her out, thus negating any possibility of rejection.

Where does “hypothetically” fit into all this, you ask? Like the purposely lost bet, it’s a genius way to remove all possibilities of rejection. You first hypothetically ask a girl out, and if that goes well, then you can really ask her out. Say the girl you’d like to ask out (Suzie) lived in a different town (Springdell). Your conversation might go as follows:

<you> “So, Suzie, hypothetically if I were to find myself in Springdell this weekend, would you be interested in doing something?”

<Suzie> “That would be fun!” (she’d definitely use an exclamation point here because women speak EXCLUSIVELY using exclamation points; it’s their punctuation of choice)

<you> (now undettered as you got such a postive response to your hypothetical) “Not so hypothetically, I’ll be in Springdell this weekend, wanna go out?”

I think you’ll be impressed with the results. As long as your name isn’t Michael Scott, you’re destined for success. This even applies to the world outside of dating (I’ve heard legend of such a world but have yet to experience it myself). Say you want to propose to your significant other but aren’t sure if she’ll say yes. Simple: hypothetically ask her first. Unsure how your boss would respond if you asked him for a raise? You know what to do.

In short this word can be used anytime you’d like to ask a question that might have a negative result. Be free. Ask what you want. You won’t get in trouble…

Hypothetically, that is.

Wooing Women with Science

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | | 5 Comments

It’s that time of year again: the time when we bachelors of the world conclude we can’t do it on our own and resort to some new desperate scheme to get women. This year’s saving grace: Science.

For years man has been looking to science to answer important life questions—the kind that keep you up at night—like “What happens when you microwave a grape?” and “How can I create x-rays using scotch tape?” Thankfully science has stepped in once again to save the day, this time by teaching us about women in these landmark studies:

Warming her up to you – Word on the scientific street is that there is a link between physical and emotional warmth. In a recent study people who held a warm drink responded warmly to complete strangers. Likewise, people who were holding cold drinks had colder responses. What this means: Besides the fact that I think my ice cream and smoothie dates are over, I’m going to make a fortune investing in Stephen’s hot chocolate.

Love at first smell – Scientists have discovered that women like men who smell good (Surprise!). The tricky part is that different men smell good to different women, but it’s more about their natural smell then the cologne they wear. To make it all more complicated, women seem to prefer men who smell like their own dads (and I thought I had problems). I guess this means if she says “take a shower” she’s really saying “take a hike”

The Heights of Attraction – In this study men were asked to fill out a questionnaire by an attractive female they met either on a high rickety 450-foot-long suspension walkway or on a lower solid bridge. Upon completion of the questionnaire the woman gave her name and phone number to the male participants so that, if interested, they could call her for more information on her study. 50% of the men from the high rickety bridge ended up calling her later while only 15% of the men from the short solid bridge ended up calling. The high bridge men thought they were attracted to the female interviewer when really they were just in a heightened state of arousal because of the scary bridge. What does this mean to the would-be wooer of women? Give your date a bit of a scare, whether on a rollercoaster, at the top of some skyscraper, or doing some crazy stunts rock climbing… but if that doesn’t work out I’m sure she’ll be impressed with your ability to give yourself an x-ray. Just don’t forget the scotch tape.

Living the American Dream

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008 | | 5 Comments

I think every girl in America must have her dream home, complete with wraparound porch and a white picket fence. Thats all fine and good, and I hope one day to make such a dream come true for the woman of my life, but until then, I’ve got a dream home of my own. I’ve secretly always wanted to live in… a tuffshed.

The sad thing is you probably think I’m kidding. I’m really not sure how this idea came about but I should probably clarify: I am not referring to one of those standard 5X7 tuffsheds (I’m no cheapskate); I’d need at least the 150 square feet Thoreau had in his shack down by Walden Pond in order to get by. They make tuffsheds the size of 2 or 3 car garages and I think those would do splendidly.

I see I have some convincing to do. As I learned in my highschool history class (thanks Val!), in making an argument you need at least three good points to back you up. With that in mind, here is my reasoning for wanting to live in a tuffshed: 1) It would help you live a simpler life 2) You’d save boatloads of money, and 3) I really really want to.

Honestly though, I think our culture is too materialistic. Granted, I am a self-proclaimed deal shopper and I enjoy my little gadgets just as much as your local neighborhood geek. At the same time, though, I already feel like I have too much “stuff” and living in such small quarters would encourage me to only keep what was really necessary. It’s all about living simply.

The concept of a 30-year mortgage is ridiculous to me. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days of our pioneer ancestors when they’d erect a house in the course of a day? Tuffsheds are prefabricated and assembly can be done in no time. Granted, it would take some more time to insulate, drywall, and add lighting, heating, and piping, but the general concept is the same. Also, seeing as that big earthquake is inevitable sooner than later here in Utah, there is all that added insurance to worry about with a nice expensive house. I’ll take the tuffshed 7 year warranty and be on my way, thank you very much…

For reasons that are beyond me I have yet to find another individual who agrees with me that living in a tuffshed is a good idea. While this saddens me and though it would be difficult to part with this dream of mine I have come up with some backup plans, just in case:

Live in a van, preferrably somewhere in the Brittish Isles

Live in an underground home (read: hobbit hole)

Stowaway on a ship (preferrably of the “cruise” variety… those people eat good)

Live in a home that fits in a parkingspot

Have an Outdoor office like this or this (its got a fancy website so it’s gotta be a good idea)

I guess if all else fails I could just move back into my parents basement. When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure that is my mom’s American Dream anyway.

Dressing for Success

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 | | 10 Comments

This past Saturday I ran a 5k up Provo Canyon called the “Pi Mi”. Unlike a real 5k which is 3.1 miles the pi mi, in honor of pi (which apparently gets so little respect that somebody had to put a race together for it), is 3.14 miles. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but in this race of more than a dozen people I placed 11th overall. I owe it all to my highly developed sense of fashion. Here’s how you too can dress for success in all your underrespected-number-honoring charity runs:

High School Cross Country Hat – This serves two obvious purposes: hiding your messed up hair from having just woken up to go run in a race which you actually PAID MONEY and WOKE UP EARLY to run in and to intimidate your competitors to show you have experience running and are crazy enough to do it again, thus sending the message they best stay out of your way. Why not a beanie, you ask? That’s simple: Because beanies are inferior as evidenced by Tyler, my roommate (to my left) who took 13th. 11th = baseball hat. 13th = beanie. I think we can all agree my logic is sound.

Headphones – I would have worn my earbuds but it was cold and these were doubling as earmuffs. The headphones were playing music from my iPod which was strapped to my left bicep, thus portraying in my competitors eyes that I was actually more muscular than reality and that I would beat them up if they tried to pass me… at least if they tried to pass me from the left side, that is.

Patagonia Capilene Jacket – Why? Because capilene is Awesome… and just about the most comfortable material known to man.

Wicked socks - These were also from my high school days (Beetdigger pride!) and were necessary due to the fact it was snowing just a few minutes before the race began.

Chacos – Let the record show I do not normally run in chacos and did not intend on wearing chacos but that I beat my roommate Tyler wearing chacos. Muahahaha… The truth is I left my running shoes in the middle of our living room floor as we left that morning.

I actually ran with Tyler and Annie (pictured to my right and looking at the camera in amazement at my sense of fashion) for the bulk of the race but with about a quarter mile to go my iPod played the song Brand New Key, by the Dollyrots. Check it out. The original, by Melanie, has to be the worst song ever, but the Dollyrots version has kick and when I heard it I couldn’t help it but just take off.

With a keen eye for fashion (which thankfully can be developed with training) you too can dress for success in all your endeavors. Better luck next time, Tyler.

Its All About the Car You Drive

Friday, October 10th, 2008 | | 7 Comments

I don’t think many people would disagree that how we dress sends a message of who we are. If everyday we wakeup and put on a grungy t-shirt and holey jeans we’re not exactly expressing much pride in our appearance. At the same time, always having to wear the latest trends and styles tells people just how important the opinions of others and “fitting in” is to us. What about the car we drive though? Is that not part of the overall package we present ourselves in? Here is what your car just may be saying about you:

2008 Jeep Grand Cherokee – You are either in debt up to your eyeballs or daddy’s little princess. You see it as having an appreciation for the “finer things” in life. If you only knew what others are saying…

1995 Chrysler Minivan – You like kids! Fine, logical vehicle if you’ve got a few toddlers. If you’re a single guy trying to find Mrs. Right, however…. well, good luck with that.

2007 Toyota Prius – Odds are you are a 50+ hippie who isn’t good at math

1990 Toyota Corolla – You’re still in survival mode. Ladies looking for a solid provider driving one of these best not apply.

1992 Honda Accord – You’re a careful buyer. You’re past that survival-mode stage but still frugal. You don’t need anything showy, just something reliable and clean and something you can not feel embarassed to take the girls out in.

I recently upgraded from one of these vehicles to another. I feel like the old “package” wasn’t sending the right message and now that my financial situation in life has improved I felt I owed it to myself to get something a bit nicer. I’ve only had it a few months and the jury is still out, but all in all I think its a successful social experiment. I used to be a little bit embarrassed as I would pick up a date in my car but that is no longer the case. I think girls are looking for someone who can provide and I feel my new wheels delivers the message that I’m up to the challenge.

One final note: After my mostly unkind analysis of what our cars say about us you probably think I’m judgmental and unfair in my opinions. That may be a fair assumption, I suppose, but if you must vent your frustrations, please take your wrath out on me and not my Jeep Grand Cherokee…

I’m still making payments.

Preparing for Marriage

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008 | | 4 Comments

In the four years I’ve been home from my mission I’ve dated four girls seriously. I think blogging about failed past relationships is against some ethics code (or at least should be) so I won’t go into terrible detail. Suffice it to say in dating these girls I discovered I have an uncanny knack for preparing these girls to get married… to other men. My first three girlfriends each married the guy they dated immediately following their time with me and the most recent one is still dating that next guy in a relationship that may well be headed towards marriage.

I’m not quite sure what to think about this. Is dating me such a horrible experience that when faced with the prospect, these girls would choose marriage to the next Mr. Nobody to show his face over remaining single in a world of unattached Rob Martins? Or is it rather such a delightful adventure that they feel themselves finally prepared to take the plunge?

I’m not sure of the reason behind it but in a world where so many people are looking to tie the knot there must be some way I can spin this to my advantage…

My dad thinks I should advertise.

How to make a decision

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 | | 8 Comments

I used to be an incredibly indecisive person. When asked if I’d like to go eat at a certain place or do some specific activity, I’d defer to anybody else who might feel strongly about the matter. Thankfully, I have since learned how to make a decision. I give you exhibit A:

For those who may be pictorally disinclined, I’ll interpret. When faced with a “Do you want to” question, say “Yes” if and only if you want to do it and it won’t end in disaster OR it will end in disaster but will at least make a good story. We all need more crazy stories to tell the grandkiddies.

I first became introduced to this principle upon reading about a man who decided (no doubt for the cool stories he would get to tell) that he wanted a pet penguin. Penguins of course need plenty of water to swim and frolic in so understandably he bought a large above-ground swimming pool and installed it in the most natural location: his living room.  You can read more about his experience (it even has a happy ending) here.

For those who still just don’t get it, here is a shirt from Woot Shirt with the same general principle:

Exhibit B

Here’s to having awesome stories to tell. Live it up and enjoy the really cool waterslides…