Crazy Ideas
How do you measure Awesome?
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 | Crazy Ideas | 7 Comments
Having spent the morning pouring over the venerable pages of Wikipedia, I’ve come to a shocking revelation: our measuring system stinks. Take, for example, the measure known as the hogshead. Not only is this a macabre benchmark, but it is a completely random value, being equal to (I’m not making this up) 6 firkins, 3 1/2 rundlets, or a round 63 gallons. 63! Who came up with this stuff? Not much better is the meter, which, over the years has had several definitions, my favorite being “the distance, at 0° Celsius, between the axes of the two central lines marked on the prototype bar of platinum-iridium, this bar being subject to one standard atmosphere of pressure and supported on two cylinders of at least one centimetre diameter, symmetrically placed in the same horizontal plane at a distance of 571 millimetres from each other”. How could I ever be expected to bring children into a world with such arbitrary, ridiculous, French-based standards of measurement? They didn’t even spell centimeter right.
Thus, after spending the majority of the last five minutes in painstaking thought, I’ve decided it’s time for a new, non-French standard. Gone are the days of drinking milk by the gallon, running miles, or buying sour patch kids by the pound. It’s time to move on. I therefore propose a new system: a combination of the choicest maritime & aeronautical measurements (knots, leagues, fathoms, carry-on bags), underappreciated measurement of years past (fortnight, cubits, jiggers, pecks), and some new additions among which are the following:
jiffy - the amount of time it takes me to get there, i.e, “I’ll be there in a jiffy.”
cows - a measure of weight, being approximately equal to one pound of melted down platinum-iridium bar. This measure being so named as to have the intended effect that as people reflect on their own weight (i.e., 168 cows), obesity levels will plunge.
twit - defined as the length of a stalk of grass 1 week following a good mowing.
swig - meaning, the amount of milk I can safely hold in my mouth while hearing a funny joke without it coming out my nose.
Lastly, in honor of the late Douglas Adams, his own measurement, the sheppey, will be adopted, this being defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesqe (approx 7/8 mile or, more precisely, 18,267 twits).
Start lobbying your politicians, we’ve got to make these changes quick.
My kids will be here in a jiffy.
Rob’s Love Issues Explained
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 | Crazy Ideas | 10 Comments
Through the years the world has seen its fair share of individuals who have ventured to teach us about love: from John Lennon to Dr. Laura, Tom Hanks to Meg Ryan, Miracle Max to …Yoda? That’s right, Yoda. Little, furry, big-eared Yoda. Lest you unjustly label me with some uncalled for name-calling lets set the record straight: I am not some Star Wars Geek. I’m really a much bigger geek than that. You know, the kind that wears sock-suspenders and not-so-secretly wants to live in a shipping container (it’s the new tuffshed). No, really, Star Wars has nothing to do with this. Yoda was my cat.
We got Yoda when I was just a little tyke. I don’t remember being a part of the naming process but Martin family lore holds that we named the cat Yoda because he was ugly, balding on the ears, and resembled the Jedi Master himself. Ugly or not, I loved that cat. I’d nicely pet him, he’d nuzzle up next to me, and sit on my lap. We’d even nap together as documented by this undisputed photographic proof (which also doubles as evidence of what a cute kid I was).
Years later I read a book called The Five Love Languages. The premise of the book is that there are different love languages (quality time, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, and physical touch) and we each have our own preferred language in which we both “speak” our love and “hear” love being communicated to us. The book further claims that many problems in relationships are the result of a couple not speaking each others’ love language. While this definitely falls under the category of pseudo-psychology it’s a theory that I accept as it is one that makes a lot of sense.
Reading the book it didn’t take me long to figure out I was a physical touch guy. The book says you can usually trace your love language to your childhood but when asked my mom she says she didn’t remember me being particularly touchy/cuddly. And then it hit me: Yoda. I learned my love language from the cat.
Somehow I always end up dating girls who have ridiculous love languages like words of affirmation. Words. Pfft. I don’t do words. Maybe that explains my stellar luck in relationships thus far in life. After reading The Five Love Languages, though, I’m confident I’ll be able to work through any differences in love languages I have with the girls I date…
…providing they have a cat, of course.
I Owe it all to Oatmeal
Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | Crazy Ideas | 12 Comments
Ever have one of those days where the light bulb suddenly goes on and you know your life will never be the same? Today was one of those days. Every morning at work I eat a bowl of oatmeal. Why oatmeal? To be honest I don’t really even like oatmeal. They claim it helps reduce cholesterol but thats not the reason either. I don’t care beans for my cholesterol level. I eat it so that I get more than one meal a day. I’ll often work straight through lunch or only have a few bites of chips and salsa so breakfast is kind of a necessity to survive. Alas, I digress. My revelation was this: why chew? All oatmeal is is a sticky mass of tiny flakes. Chewing just seems like overkill. From now on I’m just swallowing my oatmeal straight up.
Life just got that much better…
Recession Update
Friday, February 27th, 2009 | Crazy Ideas | 12 Comments
I’m not really into things that are trendy or mainstream. Facebook? Pfft. Fashion? Puh-leese. Personal hygiene? Whatever. Lately it seems this so-called global recession is all anybody can talk about. Despite all the press its getting nobody really has much nice to say about it. Thus, after some lengthy consideration I’ve decided not to participate in the recession. Thanks anyway!
To Spock or not to Spock
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 1 Comment
For the record: I’m not a geek. With that in mind its time for a quiz: What do Google, Dwight Schrute, Rob, and Spock have in common? No, I mean aside from the obvious connection that we’re all going to take over the world, universe, (or office)… and I’ve already ruled out the geek option so don’t go there. Correct answer: all four are verbs. For the benefit of our U of U and obscure Pennsylvania town college readers out there, I guess I should define the term. According to Wikipedia (so you know its legit) verbs is (I’m not making this up) a gospel rap artist. Not only that, but a gospel rap artist who served a mission in South Africa. Got that? More specifically for our purposes though a verb is an action word, or something you do.
Google has become a powerhouse because they achieved the coveted verb status. I “google” things all the time. (alas it is true, I, too have been caught in their web) So long as they don’t Schrute it, they’ll take over the world someday. But alas, I am robbing you of our real topic: to Spock.
While I wish I could take credit for coming up with the Spock concept I must correctly give credit where credit is due… to a teacher I once had whose name I honestly don’t remember. (that counts as giving credit, right?) I learned this from said unnamed teacher in a public speaking class up at BYU-Idaho (known better as “Bydaho”). The important thing to remember is that Spocking, when done correctly (and like most truths taught on this blog), will get you women.
Its all about posture. When we sit or stand up straight, not only do we feel more confident (and science tells us that women like confident men) but we get more oxygen as we start to breath using our diaphragm. (Don’t make me explain the science behind it… I’ve already cited Wikipedia today) If you watch a baby breathe, their belly moves in and out with each breath they take. Somewhere along the line (I blame Sesame Street) we stop breathing with our belly and use our chest instead. Its also one of the differences between good and bad singers. Good singers subtly breathe with their bellies while bad ones puff out their chests as they gasp for air. What does this have to do with Spock? Its all about the ears. We can achieve excellent posture and quality breathing by imagining we too have Spock ears. I find the most effective way to do this is to imagine you have fishhooks stuck in your ears lifting your head up. Don’t believe me? I don’t blame you, but try it anyway. You’ll be glad you did.
So will the women.
Steal of a Deal
Saturday, December 6th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 10 Comments
I think we all remember that time when as a preteen boy we went back-to-school clothes shopping with our mom. She’d make us try on a pair of jeans and, in order to determine if the pants fit, would grab them at the waist and give them a little jiggle. She would do this because, as all sentient life forms know, the pants-jiggle is the quickest way to embarrass your preteen son in a crowded department store. She would give some excuse about wanting to make sure they fit, but we saw right through that. I think we also remember how this traumatizing experience left us with an intense hatred of shopping.
Fortunately for most of us we at some point or another overcame this fear and ventured once again into the consumer arena to spend our hard-earned allowance. I overcame my own issues (not all of them, just the shopping ones) with the help of a close friend named Matt who was dedicated to my recovery. Actually, I don’t know that Matt ever knew I had a problem (a shopping one, he knew about all the others), but nonetheless he showed me how shopping can be a worthwhile venture.
Matt comes from a large family. I lose track of the actual number of siblings he has but I’d say a close guess would be 47. On top of this he has a stay-at-home mom and a dad who has one of those make-a-difference-but-live-in-poverty type jobs. They always made things work, though. No, they didn’t go without deodorant or wash and reuse their disposable plastic forks… The secret to their success was deal shopping.
It may be that the ability to scope out a good deal was something they were forced to learn, but I always liked to think of it as one of the ways their family was blessed for the good way in which they lived their lives. Regardless of how they gained this skill, after I saw what this gift could do, I made it a point to learn it for myself. I now consider myself a deal shopper as good as any.
Seeing as our economy is in a slow-down, I present for your consideration the following rules of dealshopping:
Find Yourself a Deal Site – With the exception of clothes I buy almost everything online. There are plenty of sites that will compile the best deals around. My favorite is dealnews but some other notable ones are slickdeals and dealsucker. To consider yourself a true deal shopper you will check your deal site at least as often as you check out this blog (hourly at the least).
Stick to Your List – When scoping out good deals you’re going to find lots of awesome amazing items you’ll want to buy such as pizza forks and neckties for the absentminded. Be strong. Remember you’re doing this to save money.
Be Patient – Some items rarely go on sale or can be difficult to find. The longer you’re willing to wait, the better deal you can score. If you wait long enough someone may even save you the trouble and buy the item for you. You can’t beat free. In addition, I never buy anything I’m not 100% satisfied with. If it won’t do the job right or it’s not exactly what I’m looking for, I wait.
Do Your Research – Some items appear to be good deals when in reality they are simply poor quality items. Checkout websites where consumers rate their satisfaction with the items. Amazon and cnet are some good places to start.
Beware of Paper Cuts – When it comes to coupons, if you can do anything similar to what this woman does with them, go for it. Coupons aren’t something I’ve delved too deep into myself (I think they may detract from my manhood), but I’m still deciding (…on whether I should start using them, not my manhood).
Never Buy Clothes Without First Getting the Approval of a Woman – This one is more of a personal necessity because, sadly, I have no taste in clothes. Women can help you achieve that “hip” look you’re going for. Seeing as I’m 25 and yet unmarried, I am always looking for new girls to help me get that look…
Pant-jigglers need not apply.
Thanks-taking
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas, Life Update | 4 Comments
As the citizens of the U.S. gather this upcoming Thursday to gorge themselves on turkey and football, they’ll also unite to give thanks for all that they are grateful for. That is a lot of thanks-giving and begs the question, “what is the square root of 35?”… no, really, “who is taking all this thanks?” I mean, when someone gives something, isn’t there supposed to be someone on the receiving end too? We wouldn’t want all that thanks to go to waste. In light of this long overlooked oversight (you can’t expect the pilgrims to have thought of everything… they were wearing buckles on their heads… BUCKLES, people!), I have elected myself to this humble role.
I’m sure this will go over well when I crash my friend’s family’s Thanksgiving gathering. Her family loves me. They love me so much, in fact, that when she and I stopped at her grandparents’ house on the way back from a trip this summer, they wanted me to be a part of the family so bad that they just assumed we were seriously dating and started announcing this to all of the extended family. Yeah, she had some cleaning up to do after that. Anyway, I’m hoping granny and gramps show up to offer me their thanks. I’d love to spread a few more rumors.
Why am I not spending Thanksgiving with family, you ask? Simple… it’s the “off year”. All of my local siblings will be spending Thanksgiving with their inlaws. How they all managed to get on the same schedule where they can spend the odd-numbered years with my family, and the even-numbered with the in-laws family is beyond me. I feel like if I were to accidentally marry a girl (it could happen) whose family had the opposite schedule, the world would implode upon itself. I’ll have to add that to my list of questions to ask the girl before I get married, right in between “How do you feel about immunizing your children?” and ” What does square root mean, anyway?”
After I learned I was without local family to spend the holiday with I was planning on celebrating Thanksgiving alone (don’t feel bad for me. I was going to order pizza… AND crazy bread), but fearing my mother might hunt me down if she found out I chose to spend Thanksgiving alone I decided to accept my friend’s invite.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy that turkey. Treat yourself to a nice afternoon nap. And don’t forget, in taking your thanks, I accept Visa, Mastercard,
…and crazybread.
All Grown Up
Monday, November 17th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 8 Comments
I’m an adult. I’ve just decided. Granted some would say this phenomenon occurred years ago when, say, I turned 18 or even 21, but those people would be wrong. Here, now, at age 25 it’s official. Why this sudden coming of age, you ask? It all started with…
The Cotsco card. No, I don’t mean Costco card. “Cotsco” is one of a few select words it is more entertaining to mispronounce or jumble up. Say it… once you’ve started you won’t be able to stop. Others of these words include “the internets”, an alternative “the interweb”, and “m e m’s” (in place of m&m’s). How does a Cotsco card make you an adult? I see it as a sign you are financially responsible. Just today I spent $1.90 for gas. $1.90! I can’t even remember the last time I remember seeing gas under $2.00. All the other gas stations had prices of at least $1.99… suckers. Besides, where else can you buy Ling Ling Potstickers or the world famous Cotsco muffins?
Then there are the stocks. Granted I have technically owned stocks since I was 17, but it hasn’t been until recently that I started investing regularly. It’s my new hobby. Granted I haven’t made a dime off the stock market yet, I still feel it is a better place for my money than that savings account which last I checked was gaining 2.75% interest, even if I have an unsettling curse in that whenever I buy stocks they start their way on a continuous downward spiral. It also gives me an excuse to bail when the guys at work invite me to come play poker. All I have to say is “No thanks, I lose all my money in the stock market.”
Finally, there is the third leg upon which my adultdom stands: the paper shredder.
I rest my case.
The Magic Words of Dating
Saturday, November 8th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 7 Comments
Every so often there comes a word, a magic word of such power it can get you whatever you want. For Ali Baba it was “sesame”. Back in the 60’s in the Midwest it was “jazzed”. If you said the word “jazzed” in Cleveland in the late 60’s you owned that town. Fortunately for our generation a new magic word has been discovered: “hypothetically”.
No, I don’t mean that a new word has hypothetically been discovered. The new word is hypothetically. Why is this such a powerful word, you ask? One word: dating loophole. A dating loophole is a way to remove all chance of rejection when asking a girl out (even if that means she doesn’t KNOW she’s being asked out). Before the discovery of “hypothetically”, there were only two known dating loopholes: “hanging out” (Elder Oaks would be ashamed) and the “purposely lost bet”. Hanging out needs no explaining but the purposely lost bet comes from an episode of Seinfeld where a man, Todd Gak, makes a bet with Elaine he knows he is going to lose with the precondition that the loser buys the winner dinner. This way he gets a date without having to ask her out, thus negating any possibility of rejection.
Where does “hypothetically” fit into all this, you ask? Like the purposely lost bet, it’s a genius way to remove all possibilities of rejection. You first hypothetically ask a girl out, and if that goes well, then you can really ask her out. Say the girl you’d like to ask out (Suzie) lived in a different town (Springdell). Your conversation might go as follows:
<you> “So, Suzie, hypothetically if I were to find myself in Springdell this weekend, would you be interested in doing something?”
<Suzie> “That would be fun!” (she’d definitely use an exclamation point here because women speak EXCLUSIVELY using exclamation points; it’s their punctuation of choice)
<you> (now undettered as you got such a postive response to your hypothetical) “Not so hypothetically, I’ll be in Springdell this weekend, wanna go out?”
I think you’ll be impressed with the results. As long as your name isn’t Michael Scott, you’re destined for success. This even applies to the world outside of dating (I’ve heard legend of such a world but have yet to experience it myself). Say you want to propose to your significant other but aren’t sure if she’ll say yes. Simple: hypothetically ask her first. Unsure how your boss would respond if you asked him for a raise? You know what to do.
In short this word can be used anytime you’d like to ask a question that might have a negative result. Be free. Ask what you want. You won’t get in trouble…
Hypothetically, that is.
Wooing Women with Science
Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 5 Comments
It’s that time of year again: the time when we bachelors of the world conclude we can’t do it on our own and resort to some new desperate scheme to get women. This year’s saving grace: Science.
For years man has been looking to science to answer important life questions—the kind that keep you up at night—like “What happens when you microwave a grape?” and “How can I create x-rays using scotch tape?” Thankfully science has stepped in once again to save the day, this time by teaching us about women in these landmark studies:
Warming her up to you – Word on the scientific street is that there is a link between physical and emotional warmth. In a recent study people who held a warm drink responded warmly to complete strangers. Likewise, people who were holding cold drinks had colder responses. What this means: Besides the fact that I think my ice cream and smoothie dates are over, I’m going to make a fortune investing in Stephen’s hot chocolate.
Love at first smell – Scientists have discovered that women like men who smell good (Surprise!). The tricky part is that different men smell good to different women, but it’s more about their natural smell then the cologne they wear. To make it all more complicated, women seem to prefer men who smell like their own dads (and I thought I had problems). I guess this means if she says “take a shower” she’s really saying “take a hike”
The Heights of Attraction – In this study men were asked to fill out a questionnaire by an attractive female they met either on a high rickety 450-foot-long suspension walkway or on a lower solid bridge. Upon completion of the questionnaire the woman gave her name and phone number to the male participants so that, if interested, they could call her for more information on her study. 50% of the men from the high rickety bridge ended up calling her later while only 15% of the men from the short solid bridge ended up calling. The high bridge men thought they were attracted to the female interviewer when really they were just in a heightened state of arousal because of the scary bridge. What does this mean to the would-be wooer of women? Give your date a bit of a scare, whether on a rollercoaster, at the top of some skyscraper, or doing some crazy stunts rock climbing… but if that doesn’t work out I’m sure she’ll be impressed with your ability to give yourself an x-ray. Just don’t forget the scotch tape.
