Menaces to Society are People Too
2010.09.11 | Updates in the life |bicycle, magnets, marriage
It’s here. The dreaded day has finally arrived. I have now become a menace to society. Although there is some debate as to age at which Brigham Young said an unmarried man becomes a menace, I’ve long held it to be 27, mostly because it was so far off. That is no longer the case. No matter I went to bed last night an upstanding young citizen, I woke this morning a menace.
As alarming as my new title is, I’m not too concerned. I’ve developed a solid four-point marriage plan that is sure to bring me matrimonial success:
Returning to the scene of the crime – Last month I moved back into my previous apartment complex. I gave my reasoning as wanting to live with friends again but that’s just my cover. I realized recently that each of my original roommates in this complex ended up marrying girls they met in this ward. Clearly I have unfinished business.
Lure them with luxury – In said apartment complex not only did they recently refinish the kitchen cabinets (we have handles and knobs now) but they finally got rid of our circa 1970′s red plaid couches and replaced them with nice new leather ones. The girls are already in a tizzy.
Elevating my Taste in Music – I’m not sure who made the original assessment, but I’ve been told I have the taste in music of a 14-year-old girl. No longer. After introducing a few new artists into my iPod I think it’s fair to say I now have the taste in music of a 17-year-old girl. So long Taylor Swift, it never would have worked between us anyway.
Just Keep Pedaling – Having given up running for the sake of my aging knees, I recently joined the cycling crowd. Not only does this mean I deck myself out in spandex several times a week, but it gives me an in with the cycling girls. In fact, I think even the non-cycling girls are impressed. On top of that, cycling is a pretty vain sport and I’ve long held I’m not nearly vain enough.
I’ve even settled on a name for my bike that encapsulates all I hope biking will bring me. Meet “The babe-magnet”, or “Maggie” for short. I was resistant at first to give in to Missy’s name suggestion (shipping on candy bars to Illinois is EXPENSIVE), but as I’ve ridden these past few weeks and showed off the new wheels to a few girls here and there, it has become clear I’ve got a real babe magnet in my Felt F30.
11 Comments to Menaces to Society are People Too
I’m so coming over to see these fancy couches.
Rachel, you really want to go over so you can check out the fancy spandex!
Kate2010.09.12
When are you and Maggie going to bike over the mountain and see us in the next valley?
Woo hoo, I won!!!! Oh, and happy birthday!
Bekah2010.09.12
Hey mister, Happy Birthday!! I hope your four-point marriage plan works out well for you, and your fancy spandex ;)
Kellen2010.09.13
Happy birthday. Remember, the key to attracting babes with cycling is to always have freshly shaven legs. Your legs will look better and women will know you are a serious cyclist. Make your legs your plume!
Texaco Jack2010.09.14
Although the Felt F30 is a great choice, going with a Ducati 848 would have surely gotten you married within two weeks, if not one.
Flying Cowboy2010.09.14
You could just marry your bike. Then you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff.
I recommend checking out the classic cycling movie Breaking Away. Italian music (as well as shaven legs) goes hand in hand with biking, according to this great film. Also, don’t be afraid to accessorize. Although the Live Strong armbands are popular, they’re still considered chic with the biking crowd. Overdoing it is obviously a no-no: until you actually compete in a race, don’t buy an entire matching outfit.
I turned 27 on September 10th. We’re almost twins. Who are you and why aren’t we friends.
Kellen2010.10.05
Well HR, Katie just made a friendship proposition to you. Maybe its time for you to overcome your irrational fear for women older than you. Your fear of legumes that resemble Winston Churchill is completely rational.
2010.09.11