Rob Martin

Saving the Postal Service

2010.07.15 | Just a bunch of silliness, really |doctors, fish, grandmothers, jury duty

My fellow Americans, the United States Postal Service is under duress. Maybe it’s the rise of e-mail and the Internet that is to blame, or the Constitutional mandate that essentially requires it to lose money, but whatever the cause, the USPS is broke.

I know, I know. I, too, was shocked to discover this. To think, a Governmental entity having financial troubles? Unfathomable. But it is what it is. However they got into this mess, we must get them out. We cannot allow the USPS to fail.

We must save the Post Office because we failed to save telegrams. We don’t want snail mail to similarly fall by the wayside due to the presence of cheaper, faster, in every-ways-superior alternative forms of communication. To do so would be to embrace progress, something we Americans will not stand for as shown by the existence of the “snuggy”, reality television, and the fact that I still don’t have a flying car.

We must save the Post Office because we love our grandmothers and we all understand that no grandmothers can get on to the Internet. If we wish to communicate with our aged forebearers, we must utilise “stamps”, “envelopes”, and “handwriting”.

We must save the Post Office because we can’t think of another way we are going to get an overweight, middle-aged man showing up at our doors in shorts that are too short.

We must save the Post Office to honor the memory of Horatio King, may he rest in dignity.

We must save the Post Office because how else would we find out if we were summoned for jury duty?

And finally, we must save the Post Office because it represents all that is decent about America, namely: specially modified trucks, no working on holidays, and years and years of suppressed anger that is finally released in one violent surge on a Thursday afternoon.

Again I say, the United States Postal Service must be saved!

Fortunately, in our role as America’s thinktank, Kellen and I have already begun enacting changes to put an end to this national catastrophe. We are confident our eight-point plan will not only help bring the USPS back from the brink of bankruptcy, but will also make America happy once again.

Point 1 – We are applying for as many opportunities to receive junk mail as possible. To speed up the process we are also helping our neighbors get the picture by ordering junk mail for them as well.

Point 2 – We play chess… via postcard. With an average game lasting 40 moves, and the price of a postcard stamp currently set at 28 cents, that’s $11.20 handed back into the very capable hands of our favorite Governmental Institution. Not only is this helping us to remember the joy of receiving mail once again, but we are also feeling a sense of satisfaction in knowing our game will outlast the current presidential administration. Kellen and I are seven moves into our current game. In my most recent move I B6′d to his D5, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t stand a chance.

Point 3 – We are ordering our big-ticket items—speedboats, shipping containers, and mail order lutefisk—online. Not only does this give the USPS more to deliver, but it has the added benefit of helping to suage Kellen’s insatiable lutefisk habit.

Point 4 – We have become penpals with foreign dignitaries, professional athletes, and popes. Current corresponders include Usain Bolt, Neil Diamond, and Nikita Khruschev.

Point 5 – We plan to use stamps as wallpaper in our homes. Not only will this display our high sense of style, but it will also be a history lesson for our children. “Here we have the James Madison memorial stamp room, and over here is the Hello Kitty room…”

Point 6 – We are lobbying the USPS to begin selling ice cream out of the backs of their trucks.

Point 7 – We are writing letters to people who have been mean to us letting them know they never should have crossed us because we are now rich and successful Doctors and Senators.

Point 8 – From now on, comments to this blog will only be accepted via mail.

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