Baby in a Cave

Saturday, June 26th, 2010 | , ,

This blog has committed to make an effort to report on scientific topics that may be relevant to modern society. As part of this effort I hired Kellen Gunderson, a certified Science Master of Mother Gaia, to provide a series of dispatches from the wonder world of Science!

The Grand Unifying Theory of Baby in a Cave

The great scientific icons of history became icons because their theories were truly revolutionary. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, Marie Curie, Charles Darwin, and Charles Lyell all became legendary because their ideas fundamentally changed society’s views of Earth, the Universe, and the human condition. Their ideas were big, their observational power was uncanny, and their creativity was unmatched. Modern science suffers from a dearth of these big scientific ideas. Maybe it’s because we as modern scientists have to spend so much time and effort competing for scarce resources, reviewing endless manuscripts, and essentially fighting our way up the corporate-research ladder.

But every once in a while, a flash of brilliance makes it through the muddy estuary of scientific research bureaucracy. Recently while wandering around the Eastern California desert, I stumbled upon a theory that has the potential for transforming our world and leading mankind to that fountain once sought by Juan Ponce de Leon. It began when I asked the question: why do people age? I searched long and hard for an answer by asking my friend and fellow scientician Chris who responded, “Because of environmental factors: sunlight breaks down skin cells, dust in the air, bacteria in water, etc. all contribute to our body slowly breaking down.” It sounded official. After all, Chris is an ecologist which means that he knows more about biology than I do. Plus, his answer resonated with me because it was verifiable. Immediately I conceived of a test for Chris’s hypothesis. According to this hypothesis, if one could isolate a person from all external environmental factors then that person would never get older. Humanity could finally be forever young.

So I concocted the great baby in a cave experiment. Simply put, my theory states that if I put a baby in a cave (thereby isolating the baby from all external environmental factors) that baby would not age. The theory’s elegance lies in its simplicity (See Figure 1). I have yet to test the theory, but I am in the process of writing proposals to the NIH, NSF, and possibly NASA to get funding for this grand experiment. The proposal will probably be pretty short because how long does it really take to explain that you want to put a baby in cave?

Figure 1 - Demonstrates that a baby, when placed in a cave will remain a baby. If the baby is continually placed in the cave, the baby will remain a baby for infinity in an endless cycle.

The next column from Science! Correspondent Kellen Gunderson will feature a point-counterpoint discussion about consuming acid mine drainage as a beverage.

11 Comments to Baby in a Cave

Tanya
June 26, 2010

You have weird friends.

Steve Martin
June 26, 2010

There is a problem, but also an answer from that problem in your theory. Oxygen is an element that may be making us old, therefore, if you place the baby in a cave, you must also make sure that the baby does not have any oxygen to cause it to grow old. This of course will cause the baby to die. So, the theory would be correct, because the baby would remain a baby forever…just no longer alive.

Taylor
June 27, 2010

I always thought it was problems with the DNA copying itself that caused aging. But then, I’m a history major, for all I know the secret of aging lies in the incorrect conjugation of some obsucre Indo-European verb.

BTW, this sounds similar to the test that a Roman Emperor had done. He had a pair of baby twins stuck on an island with a mute nanny. Years latter they went and found them to see what language they were speaking. It turned out to be Egyptian, so therefore they decided that Egyptian was the oldest language!

Sylvia
June 27, 2010

Are you using your own baby for this experiment? This will make finding a wife a lot easier.

Kellendericke
June 27, 2010

Sylvia, I already have a wife. And no, I will not be using Skuldoser for this experiment because he has not even been made yet.

missy
June 27, 2010

I think Kellen should live in a cave. With no access to computers or phones. Now.

Kellen
June 27, 2010

Missy-
1. I would love to live in cave, but there are very few caves in Bethlehem, PA.
2. Bethlehem,PA is very close to Gettysburg, where you just visited. Why was I not invited on your family vacation? I could have taught your family the history of the battle- like how Viceroy Gunter Van Bostenburg defeated Gorg and the legions of Alpha Centauri in a game of checkers while Abraham Lincoln rapped the Declaration of Independence.

Sylvia
June 27, 2010

Kellen, I apologize. I sort of skipped over the part about you writing this post. I’m glad Skuldozer is safe for now.

missy
June 28, 2010

Kellen,
If you would have read the previous entry on my blog, you would have seen that the children were left at home which explains why I didn’t think to invite you along. However, the Declaration of Independence to rap music sounds interesting enough so perhaps it was I who missed out.

Gandalfo
June 29, 2010

I think this theory has real merit. Case in point: Gollum the Stoor Hobbit. Gollum lived in a cave and as we are all well aware, he experienced unnatural long life. Clearly it was the cave that caused him to maintain his youth and beauty.

Hobbes
July 11, 2010

For some reason this comic comes to mind…

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