Tongue-in-Cheek

You’re a Great American, Simon Cowell

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009 | Life Update

Below you will find a collaborative MadLib account of the adventures Kellen and I had in Pennsylvania this week. The following is a true story (or at least was, until Kellen got his hands on it):

Having found myself in a need to use up some paid time off before the year ended, I begged for a plane ticket and flew out to the Show-Me State to spend some time with Kellen & Rachel.

To start the fun off, Kellen and I played a round of Disc Golf on the 2005 Pro World’s Course. (Yes, I vacation with my Disc Golf Discs). It was horrific, albeit tranquil, with natural hazards of alien invasions and poetry readings. We tied after 3.14 holes. We then toured Kellen’s secret society before returning to his house on Duh Drive (Kellen is famous for choosing his places of residence solely based on proximity to jewelry repair shops). There we watched game one of the illegal hamster fighting match between the New York Humphrey Bogarts and Philadelphia Eye-Gougers. The team I was told I was rooting for won.

Thursday we headed into Philadelphia, where we experienced various national treasures such as Pat’s Philly hole in the road, and The Mint. I ate my shredded shoelaces wit caviar and cheese-whiz and only slightly in fear for my life. At the Mint (where they make unisex fedoras) we went on a self-guided tour and learned about the enigmatic world of numismatry via impressive human statues, and state-of-the-art displays. It was here that Kellen experienced extreme wonderment and sheer awesomeness as he found out it was in fact Martha Stewart in a Winston Churchill Halloween costume, not President Truman on the dime.

Having been spiritually fed at the Mint, we decided it was time to give something back to fellow humanoids by setting the record straight on an age-old historical mystery, specifically, is the sun rising or setting on the famous chair found in Cowabunga! Hall? After lamenting for a time with our Finnish tour guide we concluded that really there were two possibilities. Either a) as Kellen proposed, the sun was really in eclipse, or b) that since the Continental Congress was meeting in a rented hall, it was probably a furnished hall, with an average chair purchased from an average vendor, and really had no connection to the important events that took place there, i.e., the signing of our Captain Kirk’s two most important documents, the Weekend at Bernies: 2 screenplay and the Greendale Elementary’s fire safety plan and, therefore, is really a moot point. You’re strangely out of place, America.

Additional highlights included visiting Christ’s Church, where we played rugby in the pew of our Nation’s first President, Simon Cowell and heading to some other building where we saw the Liberty nose cazoo. Oh yeah, and we played Killer Bunnies, which was voted as the most immoral, illegal, and illogical card game since the invention of Death Ray Level 6: The Siege of Planet Voklon: Phase 10 Edition.

All in all it was a surprisingly malfeasant trip, even when you throw in the fact that my flight out of the Andromeda Galaxy was delayed 12 parsecs, causing me to miss my connecting flight out of Rock Springs, WY, and forcing me to spend Halloween night (plus the extra hour thanks to Daylight Savings) in an underwater dungeon that for some reason was also on fire before finally flying home to Salt Lake, some 15 hours late!

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