How do you measure Awesome?
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 | my way is better, weights & mesures
Having spent the morning pouring over the venerable pages of Wikipedia, I’ve come to a shocking revelation: our measuring system stinks. Take, for example, the measure known as the hogshead. Not only is this a macabre benchmark, but it is a completely random value, being equal to (I’m not making this up) 6 firkins, 3 1/2 rundlets, or a round 63 gallons. 63! Who came up with this stuff? Not much better is the meter, which, over the years has had several definitions, my favorite being “the distance, at 0° Celsius, between the axes of the two central lines marked on the prototype bar of platinum-iridium, this bar being subject to one standard atmosphere of pressure and supported on two cylinders of at least one centimetre diameter, symmetrically placed in the same horizontal plane at a distance of 571 millimetres from each other”. How could I ever be expected to bring children into a world with such arbitrary, ridiculous, French-based standards of measurement? They didn’t even spell centimeter right.
Thus, after spending the majority of the last five minutes in painstaking thought, I’ve decided it’s time for a new, non-French standard. Gone are the days of drinking milk by the gallon, running miles, or buying sour patch kids by the pound. It’s time to move on. I therefore propose a new system: a combination of the choicest maritime & aeronautical measurements (knots, leagues, fathoms, carry-on bags), underappreciated measurement of years past (fortnight, cubits, jiggers, pecks), and some new additions among which are the following:
jiffy - the amount of time it takes me to get there, i.e, “I’ll be there in a jiffy.”
cows - a measure of weight, being approximately equal to one pound of melted down platinum-iridium bar. This measure being so named as to have the intended effect that as people reflect on their own weight (e.g., 168 cows), obesity levels will plunge.
twit - defined as the length of a stalk of grass 1 week following a good mowing.
swig - meaning, the amount of milk I can safely hold in my mouth while hearing a funny joke without it coming out my nose.
Lastly, in honor of the late Douglas Adams, his own measurement, the sheppey, will be adopted, this being defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesqe (approx 7/8 mile or, more precisely, 18,267 twits).
Start lobbying your politicians, we’ve got to make these changes quick.
My kids will be here in a jiffy.
7 Comments to How do you measure Awesome?
I’m a fan of the cows measurement. Although, I feel it might have the opposite effect on the mormon community. I mean, who WOULDN’T want to be a 200+ cow woman?
I had to stifle my laughter when I read this. Where do you come up with this stuff?
I see you have finally taken up the task of championing the subject that we have discussed for years, but I really think that we should be having a discussion about the relative benefits of inferometric, meridional, or prototype length standards. It goes without saying that none of these standards define length in a vacuum (pun intended!), but the relative efficacy of each method should and will be questioned in this forum.
TaylorSeptember 23, 2009
I would like to add the old southern “far-see” to the list. It’s a measurement of going down the road as far as you can see, and then looking down to the next point as far as you can see, etc. Other than that, I think that your list works! What other french things can we get rid of?
missySeptember 25, 2009
You didn’t even give a nod to the ever-popular “stone” measurement. That’s what they use in Scotland for weight. I think a stone is 14 pounds. So rather than 168 cows, you’d be 12 stone. And please remember that you need to get married in a Jiffy before you start having kids. Please.
AnnieSeptember 27, 2009
Hilarious! After taking measure of your writing abilities on your blog this last year, you should consider being a columnist.
Wow. Very creative. I’m not sure where you come up with these crazy ideas, but I like them. :)
How about a “Pinch”. I like that measurement. Just a “pinch” of cilantro please…
Too bad winter is coming soon because I was counting on losing 7 cows in a jiffy while regularly mowing my lawn which always seems to be 7 twits too tall.
September 23, 2009