Archive for March, 2009
The Dark Side of Disneyland
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 | Life Update | 15 Comments
For the record I voted for the cruise. Somehow, however, last week I found myself in Disneyland with family. (I’m still not sure exactly how it happened but I’m not convinced drugs weren’t somehow involved) I know, I know, Disneyland is the last place anyone would expect to find me. I’ve long held that when I have kids I’m going to tell them that Disneyland is a myth, just like Santa Claus, leprechauns, and allowance. Really, though, there was no getting around it. My family last visited Disneyland during the Clinton Administration. Apparently we have some unnatural obligation to attend every time a Democrat is elected President (and you wonder why I vote Republican), and so, like good Patriots, off we went.
The trip was… revealing. We have all heard how Disneyland is the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Even all those football players on the old TV commercials made us believe going to Disneyland was all they wanted to do after winning the Superbowl. Football players? Advertising where you want to vacation? Football players aren’t even bright enough to pick a career that doesn’t consist of getting pummeled, yet we trust them when it comes to vacation advice? We should have been better prepared. What we discovered in sunny California was a dark dark world. It all began with…
Rabid Children – Everywhere we looked in the park we saw little kids with sharp pointed teeth. Those that weren’t busy snarling were devouring oversized turkey legs. Fortunately, most parents had enough sense to control their offspring within the park via child leashes. To avoid the children we subjected ourselves to…
3D Shooting Games – Our family quickly discovered Toy Story Midway Mania, an interactive game where you ride in a cart and shoot 3D darts at various targets in an attempt to rack up as many points as possible. We learned that this relatively-new ride has been extremely popular and due to that they are planning on creating a new series of similar interactive rides. “Extremely popular” may be the term they are using in the Disney boardrooms but I’d say “Horrendously Addicting” is more accurate. We met one individual who had come to the park for a short visit and found himself still there 30 days later, riding this one ride over and over. Another rider we met comes to the park four days a week and likewise spends all his time on this one ride. Sadly my own mother became another hapless victim. I haven’t seen that level of addiction since Tetris came out on the NES. It wasn’t even enough to wait in line together to ride… she had us take advantage of the Single Rider (read: Dysfunctional Family) line to get as many rounds in as possible. If anyone knows of a Toy Story Midway Mania Addicts Support Group that my mom can attend let me know. The horrors of addiction were only surpassed by…
Small World – Only prisoners in Guantanamo, residents of the Great White North, and those who have experienced the Small World ride at Disneyland know what real torture is. Fortunately I remembered enough of the horror from my first trip to Disneyland to give this ride a large berth. While my family all rode together I ate food and arranged to meet them out of hearing range of the horrible horrible ride. I am one to easily get songs stuck in my head and hearing one repeated over and over in dozens of different languages at high volume by dancing dolls doesn’t exactly help that unfortunate tendency. This horror was unmatched until…
Discover Your Disney Character – In this interactive feature you can answer questions that will reveal which Disney character you are most like. Sounds harmless, right? Yeah, I was fine with it until my mother was revealed to be Ariel. I’ll never be able to look at seashell-clad Little Mermaid in the same way ever again. And just when the nightmares had finally stopped.
I Owe it all to Oatmeal
Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | Crazy Ideas | 12 Comments
Ever have one of those days where the light bulb suddenly goes on and you know your life will never be the same? Today was one of those days. Every morning at work I eat a bowl of oatmeal. Why oatmeal? To be honest I don’t really even like oatmeal. They claim it helps reduce cholesterol but thats not the reason either. I don’t care beans for my cholesterol level. I eat it so that I get more than one meal a day. I’ll often work straight through lunch or only have a few bites of chips and salsa so breakfast is kind of a necessity to survive. Alas, I digress. My revelation was this: why chew? All oatmeal is is a sticky mass of tiny flakes. Chewing just seems like overkill. From now on I’m just swallowing my oatmeal straight up.
Life just got that much better…
What has it got in its pocketses?
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 | Favorites | 8 Comments
You might think that a discussion on what Rob has got in his pockets would be dull and far from blog-worthy but you’d be wrong. On many occasions I’ve filled an entire date’s worth of conversation with the sole subject being the contents of my pockets. Even the great JRR Tolkien filled some 1000+ pages answering that very question. And then for all those people who were too busy to read it they made an abbreviated (read: 11-hour) movie adaptation of JRR Tolkien’s answer to that question starring Elijah Wood.
I know what you’re thinking… “But why you?” “How were the dates?” “Why am I reading this?” “Where’s Elijah Wood?” This entry is a continuation of my Favorites series where I share with the masses a choice product, word, (no, not that kind of choice word), or maybe if I am feeling really generous, a person. With that said may I present…
The money clip. I’m a minimalist. I think things should be kept as simple as possible. There was a time when I carried around a standard George-Costanza-esque wallet full of random papers, cards, even breath mints. That was all fine and good until you went to do something silly like, oh I don’t know, sit down. As fun as it is parking your caboose on a big lump, I decided there had to be a less lopsided solution. I found it in the money clip. The one I have is called the “smart clip”. The curvy clip is to hold cash while it has room for six cards on the opposite side. I wasn’t satisfied with the clip as it was though. Like any good man I took it upon myself to make the clip even better. I hammered out the curvy metal piece straight and flush with the back, thus halving the width from near 1/2 inch to less than 1/4 of an inch, yet still allowing you the option to slip cash or receipts there as needed.
Its awesome. The part that holds the credit cards is slightly tapered which means it doesn’t require all six cards in order for the rest to stay. Even one card will stick in there just fine. The only downside is sometimes its too small, and I won’t realize if its slipped out of my pocket. Still its great; one of the most satisfying buys I ever made. It helps you minimalize by making you choose the most important cards to carry. Of course, there you go again… thinking out loud, “What ARE the most important cards to carry? Oh, tell us Robert…”
If I must. Here’s what I carry in my money clip (aren’t I a giver?):
The Drivers License – recognized in all 49 states (I stopped recognizing Wisconsin AGES ago… we should gift them to Canada)
American Express Costco (Cotsco) card with bonus picture – Thats right, a picture of ME! On a credit card! A delightful combination, I know. I’ve always felt my face deserved to be on currency.
Credit Card – Not as cool as the one with my picture, but one of those with an insanely good cash-back program.
Library Card – Like that one famous guy with that one famous quote, I believe that which changes us are who we’ve met and the books we’ve read… thus I carry my Library Card… also, its got a cool picture of a cartoon frog reading, get this, a book! Unexpected, I know.
Restaurant Gift Card – Good for a free meal and for carding my way into places in *cough* emergency situations.
Insurance Card – mostly a remnant of my mole-removal days.
There you have it: my coveted second endorsement. Sure, this one was free, smart clip, but the next one is ‘a gonna cost ya… especially when it comes time to make the Elijah Wood movie adaptation.
