Tongue-in-Cheek

Highlights 08

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 | Life Update | 3 Comments

I don’t come from a family that has many family traditions. Of course there were a few: Growing up my dad would prepare a giant Christmas stocking stuffed with newspaper-wrapped gifts he had collected through the year, many of which came from the DI. Another is that we’d all getting together for—and leave early from—the Priesthood Session of General Conference (I was 24 years old before I learned there is a closing prayer to Priesthood Session). I kinda wish my family had a few more traditions, but that is something I realize I can change when I have my own family. With that said, I’m always looking for a few new ideas for traditions.

One tradition I picked up on a few years back is to recount the highlights of the outgoing year. Seeing as I don’t have anyone I’ll be spending New Years with (buck up, Bronco, there’s always next year) here’s my list… or at least the ones I don’t feel too bashful to share:

• Having my identity stolen (I always knew I was popular and that everyone wants to be me but its nice to get the confirmation every now and again)
• Enjoying the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in
• Teaching Gospel Doctrine
• Becoming a morning person (although sadly this has made me become grumpy at night)
• Finally solving the dirty dishes problem in my apartment
• Getting a new car
• Tender mercies
• Going a full year without getting sick (thats a real tender mercy as I’m a baby when it comes to being sick)
• Throwing a frisbee 100 yards
• Havasu 3 trip up to Jackson
• Prank wars
• Looking good with a beard
• Raining women
• Seeing new colors in the fall leaves
• Getting an unexpected promotion at work
• Bringing my organization skills to the Ward
• Being a handyman
• The birth of a blog
• Oh yeah, and there was all this

To Spock or not to Spock

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 1 Comment

For the record: I’m not a geek. With that in mind its time for a quiz: What do Google, Dwight Schrute, Rob, and Spock have in common? No, I mean aside from the obvious connection that we’re all going to take over the world, universe, (or office)… and I’ve already ruled out the geek option so don’t go there. Correct answer: all four are verbs. For the benefit of our U of U and obscure Pennsylvania town college readers out there, I guess I should define the term. According to Wikipedia (so you know its legit) verbs is (I’m not making this up) a gospel rap artist. Not only that, but a gospel rap artist who served a mission in South Africa. Got that? More specifically for our purposes though a verb is an action word, or something you do.

Google has become a powerhouse because they achieved the coveted verb status. I “google” things all the time. (alas it is true, I, too have been caught in their web) So long as they don’t Schrute it, they’ll take over the world someday. But alas, I am robbing you of our real topic: to Spock.

While I wish I could take credit for coming up with the Spock concept I must correctly give credit where credit is due… to a teacher I once had whose name I honestly don’t remember. (that counts as giving credit, right?) I learned this from said unnamed teacher in a public speaking class up at BYU-Idaho (known better as “Bydaho”). The important thing to remember is that Spocking, when done correctly (and like most truths taught on this blog), will get you women.

Its all about posture. When we sit or stand up straight, not only do we feel more confident (and science tells us that women like confident men) but we get more oxygen as we start to breath using our diaphragm. (Don’t make me explain the science behind it… I’ve already cited Wikipedia today) If you watch a baby breathe, their belly moves in and out with each breath they take. Somewhere along the line (I blame Sesame Street) we stop breathing with our belly and use our chest instead. Its also one of the differences between good and bad singers. Good singers subtly breathe with their bellies while bad ones puff out their chests as they gasp for air. What does this have to do with Spock? Its all about the ears. We can achieve excellent posture and quality breathing by imagining we too have Spock ears. I find the most effective way to do this is to imagine you have fishhooks stuck in your ears lifting your head up. Don’t believe me? I don’t blame you, but try it anyway. You’ll be glad you did.

So will the women.

The Truth About Giraffes

Friday, December 12th, 2008 | Truthiness | 6 Comments

We discuss a lot of crazy ideas here, and that is something that is destined to continue. Just as “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” I think there is humor to be found in even the most trivial situations we find ourselves in and that seeing such humor is a gift. At the same time, I don’t think the purpose of life is just to have a few laughs along the way. I think we are here to learn truth, follow truth, and in the process become better people.

Thus the title of the blog: “Truthiness”. I think the word itself embodies both a focus on humor and truth. I share much more humor than truth on this blog, and where possible I do both at the same time, but right here, right now, I need to share a crucial truth we all need to hear: the truth about giraffes.

The truth about giraffes is actually more about truth itself. Don’t worry, this isn’t some trick… I didn’t use some wacky title to get you to start reading this entry just to fool you into digesting some philosophical mumbo jumbo… I would never resort to such manipulative tactics. Me? Manipulative? I’ve never heard such a preposterous idea. Okay, so it might be a little bit philosophical, but that doesn’t need to mean it’s dry boring stuff. If there is anything that my two favorite philosophers have taught us it’s that important truths can be taught via cartoon. Anyway, less talk, more cartoons:

Take a look at these pictures one at a time. What do you see? (answers to follow… no peeking)

Highlight the empty parentheses to see the solutions: Picture 1 is ( two fish kissing ). Picture 2 shows ( a giraffe walking past a window ) See it now? I’m sure at this point you’re scratching your head wondering “what was the point of all this, again?” The principle is this: Truth, once learned, becomes obvious. I guarantee if I were to draw these pictures for you 10 or 20 years down the road you’d be able to tell me what the correct answer is. I can’t look at these diagrams anymore and see anything but fish kissing and a giraffe. The truth has become too obvious.

This is important to keep in mind as we try to learn new things. If you’re not understanding something sufficiently, it’s because you don’t yet understand the principles upon which that truth is based. That which we understand, we remember.

I’m sure there are those of you who may not be convinced this particular truth will help you to learn more and to become a better person if followed. I hate to send you away empty handed so let me remind you of another truth I’ve revealed in this post and propose a proper course of action:

Truth: Rob has two favorite philosophers

Action: Buy Rob their complete philosophical works

Result: I personally guarantee you’ll be a better person (Me? Manipulative?)

Steal of a Deal

Saturday, December 6th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 10 Comments

I think we all remember that time when as a preteen boy we went back-to-school clothes shopping with our mom. She’d make us try on a pair of jeans and, in order to determine if the pants fit, would grab them at the waist and give them a little jiggle. She would do this because, as all sentient life forms know, the pants-jiggle is the quickest way to embarrass your preteen son in a crowded department store. She would give some excuse about wanting to make sure they fit, but we saw right through that. I think we also remember how this traumatizing experience left us with an intense hatred of shopping.

Fortunately for most of us we at some point or another overcame this fear and ventured once again into the consumer arena to spend our hard-earned allowance. I overcame my own issues (not all of them, just the shopping ones) with the help of a close friend named Matt who was dedicated to my recovery. Actually, I don’t know that Matt ever knew I had a problem (a shopping one, he knew about all the others), but nonetheless he showed me how shopping can be a worthwhile venture.

Matt comes from a large family. I lose track of the actual number of siblings he has but I’d say a close guess would be 47. On top of this he has a stay-at-home mom and a dad who has one of those make-a-difference-but-live-in-poverty type jobs. They always made things work, though. No, they didn’t go without deodorant or wash and reuse their disposable plastic forks… The secret to their success was deal shopping.

It may be that the ability to scope out a good deal was something they were forced to learn, but I always liked to think of it as one of the ways their family was blessed for the good way in which they lived their lives. Regardless of how they gained this skill, after I saw what this gift could do, I made it a point to learn it for myself. I now consider myself a deal shopper as good as any.

Seeing as our economy is in a slow-down, I present for your consideration the following rules of dealshopping:

Find Yourself a Deal Site – With the exception of clothes I buy almost everything online. There are plenty of sites that will compile the best deals around. My favorite is dealnews but some other notable ones are slickdeals and dealsucker. To consider yourself a true deal shopper you will check your deal site at least as often as you check out this blog (hourly at the least).

Stick to Your List – When scoping out good deals you’re going to find lots of awesome amazing items you’ll want to buy such as pizza forks and neckties for the absentminded. Be strong. Remember you’re doing this to save money.

Be Patient – Some items rarely go on sale or can be difficult to find. The longer you’re willing to wait, the better deal you can score. If you wait long enough someone may even save you the trouble and buy the item for you. You can’t beat free. In addition, I never buy anything I’m not 100% satisfied with. If it won’t do the job right or it’s not exactly what I’m looking for, I wait.

Do Your Research – Some items appear to be good deals when in reality they are simply poor quality items. Checkout websites where consumers rate their satisfaction with the items. Amazon and cnet are some good places to start.

Beware of Paper Cuts – When it comes to coupons, if you can do anything similar to what this woman does with them, go for it. Coupons aren’t something I’ve delved too deep into myself (I think they may detract from my manhood), but I’m still deciding (…on whether I should start using them, not my manhood).

Never Buy Clothes Without First Getting the Approval of a Woman – This one is more of a personal necessity because, sadly, I have no taste in clothes. Women can help you achieve that “hip” look you’re going for. Seeing as I’m 25 and yet unmarried, I am always looking for new girls to help me get that look…

Pant-jigglers need not apply.