Tongue-in-Cheek

The Magic Words of Dating

Saturday, November 8th, 2008 |

Every so often there comes a word, a magic word of such power it can get you whatever you want. For Ali Baba it was “sesame”. Back in the 60’s in the Midwest it was “jazzed”. If you said the word “jazzed” in Cleveland in the late 60’s you owned that town. Fortunately for our generation a new magic word has been discovered: “hypothetically”.

No, I don’t mean that a new word has hypothetically been discovered. The new word is hypothetically. Why is this such a powerful word, you ask? One word: dating loophole. A dating loophole is a way to remove all chance of rejection when asking a girl out (even if that means she doesn’t KNOW she’s being asked out). Before the discovery of “hypothetically”, there were only two known dating loopholes: “hanging out” (Elder Oaks would be ashamed) and the “purposely lost bet”. Hanging out needs no explaining but the purposely lost bet comes from an episode of Seinfeld where a man, Todd Gak, makes a bet with Elaine he knows he is going to lose with the precondition that the loser buys the winner dinner. This way he gets a date without having to ask her out, thus negating any possibility of rejection.

Where does “hypothetically” fit into all this, you ask? Like the purposely lost bet, it’s a genius way to remove all possibilities of rejection. You first hypothetically ask a girl out, and if that goes well, then you can really ask her out. Say the girl you’d like to ask out (Suzie) lived in a different town (Springdell). Your conversation might go as follows:

<you> “So, Suzie, hypothetically if I were to find myself in Springdell this weekend, would you be interested in doing something?”

<Suzie> “That would be fun!” (she’d definitely use an exclamation point here because women speak EXCLUSIVELY using exclamation points; it’s their punctuation of choice)

<you> (now undettered as you got such a postive response to your hypothetical) “Not so hypothetically, I’ll be in Springdell this weekend, wanna go out?”

I think you’ll be impressed with the results. As long as your name isn’t Michael Scott, you’re destined for success. This even applies to the world outside of dating (I’ve heard legend of such a world but have yet to experience it myself). Say you want to propose to your significant other but aren’t sure if she’ll say yes. Simple: hypothetically ask her first. Unsure how your boss would respond if you asked him for a raise? You know what to do.

In short this word can be used anytime you’d like to ask a question that might have a negative result. Be free. Ask what you want. You won’t get in trouble…

Hypothetically, that is.

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