Tongue-in-Cheek

Wooing Women with Science

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 5 Comments

It’s that time of year again: the time when we bachelors of the world conclude we can’t do it on our own and resort to some new desperate scheme to get women. This year’s saving grace: Science.

For years man has been looking to science to answer important life questions—the kind that keep you up at night—like “What happens when you microwave a grape?” and “How can I create x-rays using scotch tape?” Thankfully science has stepped in once again to save the day, this time by teaching us about women in these landmark studies:

Warming her up to you – Word on the scientific street is that there is a link between physical and emotional warmth. In a recent study people who held a warm drink responded warmly to complete strangers. Likewise, people who were holding cold drinks had colder responses. What this means: Besides the fact that I think my ice cream and smoothie dates are over, I’m going to make a fortune investing in Stephen’s hot chocolate.

Love at first smell – Scientists have discovered that women like men who smell good (Surprise!). The tricky part is that different men smell good to different women, but it’s more about their natural smell then the cologne they wear. To make it all more complicated, women seem to prefer men who smell like their own dads (and I thought I had problems). I guess this means if she says “take a shower” she’s really saying “take a hike”

The Heights of Attraction – In this study men were asked to fill out a questionnaire by an attractive female they met either on a high rickety 450-foot-long suspension walkway or on a lower solid bridge. Upon completion of the questionnaire the woman gave her name and phone number to the male participants so that, if interested, they could call her for more information on her study. 50% of the men from the high rickety bridge ended up calling her later while only 15% of the men from the short solid bridge ended up calling. The high bridge men thought they were attracted to the female interviewer when really they were just in a heightened state of arousal because of the scary bridge. What does this mean to the would-be wooer of women? Give your date a bit of a scare, whether on a rollercoaster, at the top of some skyscraper, or doing some crazy stunts rock climbing… but if that doesn’t work out I’m sure she’ll be impressed with your ability to give yourself an x-ray. Just don’t forget the scotch tape.

Mr. Mole Man

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | Life Update | 4 Comments

I remember as a kid my favorite movie was “Condorman”. In that fine cinemetographic masterpiece the main character, a comic book artist, is recruited by the FBI to help catch some criminals. He agrees, but only on the conditions that he can become Condorman, his comic book creation, and defeat the thugs using the extravagant methods outlined in his comic books. He then goes around with elaborate gadgets and vehicles, all the while dressed up in his Condorman outfit (complete with wings and the requisite skin-tight superhero spandex). I wanted to be just like Condorman, but alas my calling is elsewhere in life: Call me Mr. Mole Man because *gasp* I’ve got moles.

These past few weeks I’ve made trips to the dermatologist, optometrist, and dentist.  I saw the dermatologist so he could take a look at this itty bitty suspicious mole I noticed, but apparently it got busy and had puppies while I was sleeping because he found *nervous cough* 19 of them. He gave his reasoning for wanting to remove them… something about potential cancer or something like that but all I heard was “by you coming in every other week for the next three months I’ll be able to buy that boat I’ve always wanted”. I’ve already got three divots in my back from his first attack.

But thats not the only thing plaguing Mr. Mole Man. My trip to the dentist was equally eventful. I decided to be frankly honest right from the start so I told the hygienist I don’t floss… at all. She braced herself and went to work. I think she made it her personal mission to convince me to floss, something no hygienist or dentist or girlfriend for that matter has been able to persuade me to do in 25 years. This woman was definitely a pro… she used a whole score of persuasive strategems like delivering her stump speech while she had sharp instruments in my mouth so I couldn’t respond, and using scare tactics complete with words like “gingivitis” and “gum disease”. I even think I caught a “pull your teeth out” in there.

Fortunately I survived this brutal onslaught. Join us next year when our hero rises once again to face the future villains of ingrown toenails and rheumatoid arthritis. I think I’ll pass on making myself a Mole Man costume, however… I don’t think I could pull off the tights.

People, Projects, and Possessions

Sunday, October 26th, 2008 | Truthiness | 3 Comments

“Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved” ~Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Nov 2008

I have a knack for looking beyond the mark. Between work, church responsibilities, sporting events and other activities, it’s easy to lose focus and look past those things which are most important, or which should be most important in my life: people. A friend of mine once summed it up by saying “People are more important than projects”. Unsurprisingly, putting people first is not an easy thing to do. It means sacrifices must be made and projects sometimes need to be left unfinished. As I think of those individuals who have influenced my life however, they have all had this one thing in common; they have all focused on individuals rather than themselves and all that they had to accomplish.

Recently I’ve experienced that this principle is not limited to projects. Back in July my dad was kind enough to sell me his car. As everyone around him knows, he loved his car. He took good care of it and as a result it was in great shape and he would regularly receive offers from individuals who wanted to purchase it from him. When he hinted one day he might be getting rid of it to buy something newer I jumped at the chance and offered to buy it from him. Before we completed the sale I got the impression he was having second thoughts. When I expressed that I didn’t want to buy his car unless he wanted to get rid of it he exclaimed that it was just a possession, and that possessions are not worth getting attached to. He taught me that not only are people more important than projects, but they are more important than possessions as well.

I’m grateful for friends and family who have taught me by example to put people first. When we have eyes to see, I think it will become quite obvious to us that life is really all about relationships and that “people are more important than projects and possessions.”

Living the American Dream

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 5 Comments

I think every girl in America must have her dream home, complete with wraparound porch and a white picket fence. Thats all fine and good, and I hope one day to make such a dream come true for the woman of my life, but until then, I’ve got a dream home of my own. I’ve secretly always wanted to live in… a tuffshed.

The sad thing is you probably think I’m kidding. I’m really not sure how this idea came about but I should probably clarify: I am not referring to one of those standard 5X7 tuffsheds (I’m no cheapskate); I’d need at least the 150 square feet Thoreau had in his shack down by Walden Pond in order to get by. They make tuffsheds the size of 2 or 3 car garages and I think those would do splendidly.

I see I have some convincing to do. As I learned in my highschool history class (thanks Val!), in making an argument you need at least three good points to back you up. With that in mind, here is my reasoning for wanting to live in a tuffshed: 1) It would help you live a simpler life 2) You’d save boatloads of money, and 3) I really really want to.

Honestly though, I think our culture is too materialistic. Granted, I am a self-proclaimed deal shopper and I enjoy my little gadgets just as much as your local neighborhood geek. At the same time, though, I already feel like I have too much “stuff” and living in such small quarters would encourage me to only keep what was really necessary. It’s all about living simply.

The concept of a 30-year mortgage is ridiculous to me. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days of our pioneer ancestors when they’d erect a house in the course of a day? Tuffsheds are prefabricated and assembly can be done in no time. Granted, it would take some more time to insulate, drywall, and add lighting, heating, and piping, but the general concept is the same. Also, seeing as that big earthquake is inevitable sooner than later here in Utah, there is all that added insurance to worry about with a nice expensive house. I’ll take the tuffshed 7 year warranty and be on my way, thank you very much…

For reasons that are beyond me I have yet to find another individual who agrees with me that living in a tuffshed is a good idea. While this saddens me and though it would be difficult to part with this dream of mine I have come up with some backup plans, just in case:

Live in a van, preferrably somewhere in the Brittish Isles

Live in an underground home (read: hobbit hole)

Stowaway on a ship (preferrably of the “cruise” variety… those people eat good)

Live in a home that fits in a parkingspot

Have an Outdoor office like this or this (its got a fancy website so it’s gotta be a good idea)

I guess if all else fails I could just move back into my parents basement. When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure that is my mom’s American Dream anyway.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Sunday, October 19th, 2008 | Truthiness | 5 Comments

“God, who oversees the interlacings of galaxies, stars, and worlds, asks us to confess His hand in our personal lives, too. Have we not been reassured about the fall of one sparrow and that the very hairs of our heads are numbered? God is in the details! Just as the Lord knows all of His vast creations, He also knows and loves each in any crowd—indeed, He knows and loves each and all of mankind!” ~Neal A. Maxwell, Ensign, Nov. 2000, 16.

“Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” ~Doctrine & Covenants 6:36

I believe in being independent. It is very fulfilling to be able to take care of yourself. When I was still attending school, however, I had some experiences that taught me just how independent I wasn’t. Perhaps I became convinced that I was a big boy and could do things on my own, but all the sudden I couldn’t find anything and I didn’t do so well on even the easy tests. I was trying too hard to go it alone and was neglecting my relationship with Father.

The Lord pleads with us to “look unto [Him] in every thought” and it is only by doing so that we are safe. Perhaps I was forgetting Him in my life, or at least not giving Him the attention He deserved. When God is at the center of our lives everything runs like a finely-tuned machine and revolves in its proper place like our magnificent solar system. However, when Father is off in the distance, we are the ones at the center of our lives and that is a dangerous position to be in. I remember the old joke, “How many deacons does it take to screw in a light bulb?” “Only one, because he just holds up the light bulb and the world revolves around him.” The sun is at the center of our solar system and due to its being a stable body, everything else works perfectly and allows there to be true life and meaning on our planet. Likewise, if the Son is at the center of our crazy lives everything works right. But take a smaller body, such as yourself, and revolve everything around it and it will all just go hurtling off into space; we have not the power to keep order when acting alone.

I thought I had this lesson ingrained but apparently I lost its finer details as a few years later I found myself being tutored once again by a loving Father in Heaven. I was at my parents’ house and, thanks to some undercooked hamburgers, found myself feeling very poorly. Now, I think I have a pretty good tolerance for pain and for cold, but sick is something I don’t do well. This sick spell was so bad I decided later it was probably a good things we didn’t keep firearms in the house. It was only 24 hours of food-poisoned agony, but it was a 24 hour period where the words I need thee every hour rang true once again.

I call Father’s reminders a wake up call. As independent as I would like to be, there are some things we aren’t meant to go solo on, and its not just the big things either. Asking for His help with even the menial tasks ensures He will be with us always. He will ever be on our minds—as He should be. We will have stronger relationships with Him. It also shows humility; It doesn’t take much for us to acknowledge we need His help to overcome death, but what about next week’s geography test? Our Father is indeed Lord over the whole earth. He who notes even the sparrow’s fall knows us and all our needs and is willing to help us just as soon as we acknowledge Him and ask for His assistance.

Dressing for Success

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas, Life Update | 10 Comments

This past Saturday I ran a 5k up Provo Canyon called the “Pi Mi”. Unlike a real 5k which is 3.1 miles the pi mi, in honor of pi (which apparently gets so little respect that somebody had to put a race together for it), is 3.14 miles. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but in this race of more than a dozen people I placed 11th overall. I owe it all to my highly developed sense of fashion. Here’s how you too can dress for success in all your underrespected-number-honoring charity runs:

High School Cross Country Hat – This serves two obvious purposes: hiding your messed up hair from having just woken up to go run in a race which you actually PAID MONEY and WOKE UP EARLY to run in and to intimidate your competitors to show you have experience running and are crazy enough to do it again, thus sending the message they best stay out of your way. Why not a beanie, you ask? That’s simple: Because beanies are inferior as evidenced by Tyler, my roommate (to my left) who took 13th. 11th = baseball hat. 13th = beanie. I think we can all agree my logic is sound.

Headphones – I would have worn my earbuds but it was cold and these were doubling as earmuffs. The headphones were playing music from my iPod which was strapped to my left bicep, thus portraying in my competitors eyes that I was actually more muscular than reality and that I would beat them up if they tried to pass me… at least if they tried to pass me from the left side, that is.

Patagonia Capilene Jacket – Why? Because capilene is Awesome… and just about the most comfortable material known to man.

Wicked socks - These were also from my high school days (Beetdigger pride!) and were necessary due to the fact it was snowing just a few minutes before the race began.

Chacos – Let the record show I do not normally run in chacos and did not intend on wearing chacos but that I beat my roommate Tyler wearing chacos. Muahahaha… The truth is I left my running shoes in the middle of our living room floor as we left that morning.

I actually ran with Tyler and Annie (pictured to my right and looking at the camera in amazement at my sense of fashion) for the bulk of the race but with about a quarter mile to go my iPod played the song Brand New Key, by the Dollyrots. Check it out. The original, by Melanie, has to be the worst song ever, but the Dollyrots version has kick and when I heard it I couldn’t help it but just take off.

With a keen eye for fashion (which thankfully can be developed with training) you too can dress for success in all your endeavors. Better luck next time, Tyler.

Pop Quiz

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Truthiness | 2 Comments

“Surely, what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.” ~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 192

“Opportunities to server others in meaningful ways, as we have covenanted to do, rarely come at convenient times. But there is no spiritual power in living by convenience. The power comes as we keep our covenants.” ~M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, May 1999, 85

I am a very structured person. Everything I do has its time and place, and at times it can be a bit distressing to me when other events interfere. Because I am so structured, I like to schedule my service into specific blocks of time. Upon discovery of the above quotes, however, I realized that service is not something you just do at a set time every day as if it were some rote tradition. Service is an attitude; it is something you do always, whether in a premeditated act or as a result of situations you find yourself in. You do it always because that is who you are, not just how you act from time to time.

The gospel, much to my chagrin, is not a bunch of to-dos but rather a compilation of to-bes. It is the unexpected moments, the barging in to discover the rats in our cellar, that really show us who we are. I like to think of these unexpected service opportunities as pop quizzes administered by the Great Teacher. He places people in our path who need a helping hand so as to gauge our progress. This pop quiz format may not be the most pleasing form of testing to the student; we may much prefer to study and cram for a scheduled exam and at the appointed time spew out all the facts and wisdom we have collected, but such a test doesn’t do much to measure what He is looking for. Only the unanticipated, unplanned-for pop quiz calculates who we have become.

“Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” (3 Nephi 12:48) O that we may discover the rats in our lives and root them out, that we might find ourselves better prepared for further heavenly testing.

Recommended reading: “The Challenge to Become“

Its All About the Car You Drive

Friday, October 10th, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 7 Comments

I don’t think many people would disagree that how we dress sends a message of who we are. If everyday we wakeup and put on a grungy t-shirt and holey jeans we’re not exactly expressing much pride in our appearance. At the same time, always having to wear the latest trends and styles tells people just how important the opinions of others and “fitting in” is to us. What about the car we drive though? Is that not part of the overall package we present ourselves in? Here is what your car just may be saying about you:

2008 Jeep Grand Cherokee – You are either in debt up to your eyeballs or daddy’s little princess. You see it as having an appreciation for the “finer things” in life. If you only knew what others are saying…

1995 Chrysler Minivan – You like kids! Fine, logical vehicle if you’ve got a few toddlers. If you’re a single guy trying to find Mrs. Right, however…. well, good luck with that.

2007 Toyota Prius – Odds are you are a 50+ hippie who isn’t good at math

1990 Toyota Corolla – You’re still in survival mode. Ladies looking for a solid provider driving one of these best not apply.

1992 Honda Accord – You’re a careful buyer. You’re past that survival-mode stage but still frugal. You don’t need anything showy, just something reliable and clean and something you can not feel embarassed to take the girls out in.

I recently upgraded from one of these vehicles to another. I feel like the old “package” wasn’t sending the right message and now that my financial situation in life has improved I felt I owed it to myself to get something a bit nicer. I’ve only had it a few months and the jury is still out, but all in all I think its a successful social experiment. I used to be a little bit embarrassed as I would pick up a date in my car but that is no longer the case. I think girls are looking for someone who can provide and I feel my new wheels delivers the message that I’m up to the challenge.

One final note: After my mostly unkind analysis of what our cars say about us you probably think I’m judgmental and unfair in my opinions. That may be a fair assumption, I suppose, but if you must vent your frustrations, please take your wrath out on me and not my Jeep Grand Cherokee…

I’m still making payments.

The Principle of the Last Minute

Sunday, October 5th, 2008 | Truthiness | 3 Comments

I’ll admit it; I have a least-favorite scripture. In the standard works there are plenty of verses that inspire and encourage, but there are also a few that just scare the bejeebers out of me. Consider the following:

“Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless–whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day…” ~Mosiah 23:21-22

When we reflect upon the term last day we may think of the time when Christ will return and reign with glory, or perhaps, rather, it is the battle of Armageddon that comes to mind. I don’t know if either of these is the appropriate interpretation of the term in this scripture, however. Looking at these verses in context, here Alma and his followers fall into bondage under Amulon, who persecutes them, places burdens upon their backs, and prevents them even from praying to their God. After sufficiently trying their patience, however, the Lord finally delivers them from bondage at the last day. That is the part that scares me: the Lord waiting until the last day to deliver.

I call this the Principle of the Last Minute

I have had several experiences where I have seen this principle in action. I’ll share one that is perhaps the most meaningful because it is so trivial:

About two years ago I bought a projector. I enjoy movies and was looking forward to watching them on the big screen. After some initial fiddling with my new purchase I realized I was missing a vital cord I would need in order to make use of the projector. I ordered the necessary cord and my roommates and I planned a movie night for the upcoming Friday.

The cord was being sent to my brother’s house and so on Friday, the day of our planned first movie, I drove there to pick it up. Unfortunately it had not yet arrived. While I’m sure we could have rescheduled the movie night it was important enough to me that we still hold it that night that I said a quick prayer asking that the cord would be delivered. The day wore on. Still no cord. Finally, I could wait no longer and had to head back to my apartment. I was literally one minute from walking out the door when the doorbell rang. I just laughed. I knew what it was. Sure enough, there on the doorstep was the package containing my cord.

I never cease to be impressed by how aware Father is of my needs. Even something so silly as a computer cord is not unimportant to Him as long as it is important to me. I’m grateful He has continually heard and answered my prayers, even if He has made me wait until the last minute.

I still don’t like that scripture.

Preparing for Marriage

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008 | Crazy Ideas | 4 Comments

In the four years I’ve been home from my mission I’ve dated four girls seriously. I think blogging about failed past relationships is against some ethics code (or at least should be) so I won’t go into terrible detail. Suffice it to say in dating these girls I discovered I have an uncanny knack for preparing these girls to get married… to other men. My first three girlfriends each married the guy they dated immediately following their time with me and the most recent one is still dating that next guy in a relationship that may well be headed towards marriage.

I’m not quite sure what to think about this. Is dating me such a horrible experience that when faced with the prospect, these girls would choose marriage to the next Mr. Nobody to show his face over remaining single in a world of unattached Rob Martins? Or is it rather such a delightful adventure that they feel themselves finally prepared to take the plunge?

I’m not sure of the reason behind it but in a world where so many people are looking to tie the knot there must be some way I can spin this to my advantage…

My dad thinks I should advertise.