2010: Year of the Bike
Thursday, July 29th, 2010 | bicycle, candy, Luxembourg | 21 comments
I told myself that this was the year to get into cycling, and after squandering away most of the summer months looking for a killer deal I finally bit the bullet and bought a bike. Maybe it was the inspiring performance of Andy in the tour or the “I’ll believe it when I see it” attitude of Kellendric, but whatever the motivating cause, I’m now the proud owner of a Felt bicycle. Now I just need pedals, shoes, a helmet, and a name and I’m set. That’s right… a name. I need to properly christen my new conveyance before I take to the open road.
That’s where you come in: I need name suggestions. Leave your best bicycle name in the comments and I’ll pick the most fitting moniker for my sweet new ride. Winner gets a candy bar, and a promise that I won’t post any pictures of myself in spandex for at least a month.
Saving the Postal Service
Thursday, July 15th, 2010 | doctors, fish, grandmothers, jury duty | 5 comments
My fellow Americans, the United States Postal Service is under duress. Maybe it’s the rise of e-mail and the Internet that is to blame, or the Constitutional mandate that essentially requires it to lose money, but whatever the cause, the USPS is broke.
I know, I know. I, too, was shocked to discover this. To think, a Governmental entity having financial troubles? Unfathomable. But it is what it is. However they got into this mess, we must get them out. We cannot allow the USPS to fail.
We must save the Post Office because we failed to save telegrams. We don’t want snail mail to similarly fall by the wayside due to the presence of cheaper, faster, in every-ways-superior alternative forms of communication. To do so would be to embrace progress, something we Americans will not stand for as shown by the existence of the “snuggy”, reality television, and the fact that I still don’t have a flying car.
We must save the Post Office because we love our grandmothers and we all understand that no grandmothers can get on to the Internet. If we wish to communicate with our aged forebearers, we must utilise “stamps”, “envelopes”, and “handwriting”.
We must save the Post Office because we can’t think of another way we are going to get an overweight, middle-aged man showing up at our doors in shorts that are too short.
We must save the Post Office to honor the memory of Horatio King, may he rest in dignity.
We must save the Post Office because how else would we find out if we were summoned for jury duty?
And finally, we must save the Post Office because it represents all that is decent about America, namely: specially modified trucks, no working on holidays, and years and years of suppressed anger that is finally released in one violent surge on a Thursday afternoon.
Again I say, the United States Postal Service must be saved!
Fortunately, in our role as America’s thinktank, Kellen and I have already begun enacting changes to put an end to this national catastrophe. We are confident our eight-point plan will not only help bring the USPS back from the brink of bankruptcy, but will also make America happy once again.
Point 1 – We are applying for as many opportunities to receive junk mail as possible. To speed up the process we are also helping our neighbors get the picture by ordering junk mail for them as well.
Point 2 – We play chess… via postcard. With an average game lasting 40 moves, and the price of a postcard stamp currently set at 28 cents, that’s $11.20 handed back into the very capable hands of our favorite Governmental Institution. Not only is this helping us to remember the joy of receiving mail once again, but we are also feeling a sense of satisfaction in knowing our game will outlast the current presidential administration. Kellen and I are seven moves into our current game. In my most recent move I B6′d to his D5, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t stand a chance.
Point 3 – We are ordering our big-ticket items—speedboats, shipping containers, and mail order lutefisk—online. Not only does this give the USPS more to deliver, but it has the added benefit of helping to suage Kellen’s insatiable lutefisk habit.
Point 4 – We have become penpals with foreign dignitaries, professional athletes, and popes. Current corresponders include Usain Bolt, Neil Diamond, and Nikita Khruschev.
Point 5 – We plan to use stamps as wallpaper in our homes. Not only will this display our high sense of style, but it will also be a history lesson for our children. “Here we have the James Madison memorial stamp room, and over here is the Hello Kitty room…”
Point 6 – We are lobbying the USPS to begin selling ice cream out of the backs of their trucks.
Point 7 – We are writing letters to people who have been mean to us letting them know they never should have crossed us because we are now rich and successful Doctors and Senators.
Point 8 – From now on, comments to this blog will only be accepted via mail.
Baby in a Cave
Saturday, June 26th, 2010 | geology, offspring, science | 11 comments
This blog has committed to make an effort to report on scientific topics that may be relevant to modern society. As part of this effort I hired Kellen Gunderson, a certified Science Master of Mother Gaia, to provide a series of dispatches from the wonder world of Science!
The Grand Unifying Theory of Baby in a Cave
The great scientific icons of history became icons because their theories were truly revolutionary. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, Marie Curie, Charles Darwin, and Charles Lyell all became legendary because their ideas fundamentally changed society’s views of Earth, the Universe, and the human condition. Their ideas were big, their observational power was uncanny, and their creativity was unmatched. Modern science suffers from a dearth of these big scientific ideas. Maybe it’s because we as modern scientists have to spend so much time and effort competing for scarce resources, reviewing endless manuscripts, and essentially fighting our way up the corporate-research ladder.
But every once in a while, a flash of brilliance makes it through the muddy estuary of scientific research bureaucracy. Recently while wandering around the Eastern California desert, I stumbled upon a theory that has the potential for transforming our world and leading mankind to that fountain once sought by Juan Ponce de Leon. It began when I asked the question: why do people age? I searched long and hard for an answer by asking my friend and fellow scientician Chris who responded, “Because of environmental factors: sunlight breaks down skin cells, dust in the air, bacteria in water, etc. all contribute to our body slowly breaking down.” It sounded official. After all, Chris is an ecologist which means that he knows more about biology than I do. Plus, his answer resonated with me because it was verifiable. Immediately I conceived of a test for Chris’s hypothesis. According to this hypothesis, if one could isolate a person from all external environmental factors then that person would never get older. Humanity could finally be forever young.
So I concocted the great baby in a cave experiment. Simply put, my theory states that if I put a baby in a cave (thereby isolating the baby from all external environmental factors) that baby would not age. The theory’s elegance lies in its simplicity (See Figure 1). I have yet to test the theory, but I am in the process of writing proposals to the NIH, NSF, and possibly NASA to get funding for this grand experiment. The proposal will probably be pretty short because how long does it really take to explain that you want to put a baby in cave?
Figure 1 - Demonstrates that a baby, when placed in a cave will remain a baby. If the baby is continually placed in the cave, the baby will remain a baby for infinity in an endless cycle.
The next column from Science! Correspondent Kellen Gunderson will feature a point-counterpoint discussion about consuming acid mine drainage as a beverage.
Super Trek 2010
Sunday, May 30th, 2010 | outdoors, pioneers | 10 comments
I went on my first ever trek last weekend. Seeing as a picture is worth a thousand words, here is my 15,000 word essay on the whole experience. Kudos to cameraman Brock for these stellar (and in some cases candid) pics. It was quite a chore to pick just 15 pics that best personified the adventure. Each thumbnail links to the full picture.
Captain Shakespeare
handy carts
trekin' it up
Savannah smiles
not a stick up my butt
the good bishop
close quarters
beautiful day
good grub
complimentary contrast
ready for my closeup
snuggles
baby, it's cold outside
one big happy family
the end
Moral of the Story
Friday, May 14th, 2010 | marriage, varmints, vikings | 3 comments
I saw that dragon movie the whole world has been raving about. Everyone says it has a great message and I must say I agree: All I have to do to get the girl is capture and train a wild dragon and deliver my people from pesky varmints…
Consider it done.
It really is a beautiful message, though. Very applicable to every day life too.
Aging with style
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 | old people, vitamins | 7 comments
So I started taking multi-vitamins today. I bought them during my latest Costco run in a moment of weakness. My hand has been hurting lately and I thought some Vitamin B6 might do me well. I figured as long as I was tackling that I might as well pull out the big guns and fight off goiters and various other old-people ailments at the same time. I’m having second thoughts though… not only do they smell yucky, but doesn’t it kind of defeat the purpose if it hurts my hand to open the bottle when hand pain is part of the reason I’m taking them in the first place?
I’m clearly well on my way to becoming an old man: Aches and pains? Check. Sock suspenders? Check. Old-fashioned single-bladed razor which I started using last year and never got around to blogging about? Check. Slowly receding hairline? *sigh* Check. The transformation is almost complete.
Gramps and Dolls
Sunday, February 28th, 2010 | Family, old people | 5 comments
I came across this picture today as I was digitizing some old photos for a family history project I am working on. Yes, that’s right, I’m related to these people. In fact, not only are we related, but seeing as this is Grandpa Bob and Great Grandpa Maynard, they are among my direct-line progenitors.
Puts my weirdness into a little better perspective, doesn’t it…
Ducks in a Row
Monday, January 25th, 2010 | fowl, marriage, time | 10 comments
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. This wasn’t part of the plan. I was supposed to get married at 21 or 22… 23 at the latest. Just ask anybody: family, friends, even my MTC group gave me six months post mission, tops. But here I am, 26 and counting, closing in on that dreaded “Menace to Society” age, and still unspoused.
I’ll admit, early on I really struggled with this, and while the thought of reaching my late 20’s without a companion still doesn’t thrill me, I’m more okay with things. In fact, a part of me feels quite fortunate. That part of me realizes I have been given a precious gift: the gift of time.
Despite all its blessings, I know marriage will be no picnic, and bring more than its fair share of trials into my life, both emotional, spiritual, and financial. With the extra time I’ve been given, I’ve been able to—and continue to—work on preparing myself, to “put all my ducks in a row”, so to speak. For example, these past several years I’ve tried to focus on being a better person every day and increase my talents. I am learning to cook. I’ve begun playing the guitar, and am becoming more well read. Over the past two years I’ve also scrimped every penny I could spare and begun investing and saving for a home, retirement, a rainy day… I’ve even started a ring fund. When the day does come that I’ll take the marital plunge, hopefully I’ll be a better husband, and eventually a better father, because of the time I’ve been given and the preparations I’ve made.
Ironically enough, my forced preparation for blessings that didn’t come early may be the very thing that helps me tie the knot down the road. Let me explain: occasionally people have asked me what my “type” is. This has always been a very difficult question to answer. It seemed the girls that really wowed me were as different as could be from one another: short blondes, tall brunettes, artists, musicians, athletes. As I’ve continued to think about it though, they have all had one thing in common: they were impressive. In one way or another they were excellent or pursuing excellence. You might say they each had their ducks in a row, and as a result, not only did I want to be with them, but they also made me want to be better me. Being stuck in survival mode is not attractive, but excelling, preparing, achieving… that is what has always been attractive to me, and I expect is precisely what is attractive to us all.
I recognize I still have a long ways to go in my efforts at arranging the various ducks in my life, but I must admit it feels good to be waddling in the right direction.
Moustache Showdown
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 | creepy, face hair | 23 comments
“A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea without sugar”
Brockolicious
Handsome Rob
Kellendric
Who has the nastiest 'stache?
- Handsome Rob (43%, 20 Votes)
- Brockolicious (41%, 19 Votes)
- Kellendric (16%, 7 Votes)
Total Voters: 46
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After a week of heated polling, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the world was asked “Who framed Roger Rabbit?”, the nastiest ’stache contest has ended.
Well fought, Brock. Slightly less well fought but still respectable effort, Kellen. May your moustaches never land either of you the role of ‘villain’ in a dramatized segment of America’s Most Wanted.
Concession speeches & fan mail still welcome in the comments…
A Questionable Thanksgiving
Sunday, November 29th, 2009 | byu, Family, food, football | 6 comments
This past week much of my family gathered for the great American tradition of stuffing our faces with Turkey.
I like Thanksgiving for all the obvious reasons. First there is Jenny’s I’m-still-not-sure-whats-in-it-but-I-can’t-stop-eating-it cracker dip. This dip has been a feature of every Martin family gathering of memory. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s in her and Steve’s pre-nup.
Next, there is the age-old pilgrim Thanksgiving tradition of Halo. For the record I’m normally not a big gamer, but there is something to be said about the bonding that comes from blowing your miscellaneous family member off the map while playing X-box on a huge projector screen with 7.1 digital surround sound. Ah, the memories. Following a few rounds we even got my sixty-something dad to play some “Nintendo” when we pulled out Beatles Rock Band. I never thought I’d live to see the day.
Add to this some healthy BYU/Utah rivalry and you’ve got yourself an all-around good weekend. My brother Dave and I are the BYU faithful while my oldest sister Chantal and her family cheer for the U. (I’m fairly certain they are all BYU fans at heart—really, who in their right mind could like Utah?). I thought we had added another follower to team blue, but sadly the Cougar Convert of six posts back defected. Despite all my best efforts to elicit a proper response to the question “Who is better, BYU or Utah?” via tickling and withholding m&ms, the kid stayed true to his family’s (pretended) ideals. I think they’re paying him more than I am.
Following a good meal we settled down for our traditional family movie. Deferring to my unquestioned good taste we watched the new Star Trek, which just happens to be one of the three most amazing movies I have seen in the theater. My reasoning in selecting this flick was that everyone I have talked to who has seen it has liked Star Trek. Pretty fail-proof reasoning, right? Wrong. While I didn’t get a chance to hear from everyone it was obvious that, in the least, both my sister Chantal and my dad weren’t impressed. I guess amazing special effects, unmatched character development, and a well-written story don’t do it for everybody. Go figure.
The movie was followed by a round of Killer Bunnies. For the record this was not my idea, but seeing as I was the only one there who knew how to play I taught them at their request. Discontent with Star Trek paled in comparison to how they felt about the game. I have never seen them so united before (They didn’t even need Halo at that point). The combination of the response from the movie and card game left me asking the question so many of us have asked ourselves at some point or another following spending some extended time with family: “Am I sure I wasn’t adopted?”
Of course I know I wasn’t. Even though we are definitely different people, I’ve got the Martin nose. Plus I inherited my parents’ tastes in ice cream (Cherry Chocolate Chip from dad and Peppermint from mom). Who needs a blood test when I pass the highly scientific resemblance/ice cream combo? Birth-relatedness questions aside, at least one thing is for certain: I think we settled the “Who is better, BYU or Utah?” question as BYU beat Utah in an amazing 25-yard touchdown score in overtime. I was fortunate enough to be there enjoying the revelry, screaming myself hoarse, storming the field etc. Good times. Great holiday weekend.
Chantal’s family: you can come out of the closet now. I have m&ms.
